Broken peices....

Lord... here I am on 12/27 feeling... broken. Messed up. Confused and lost. Like trying to walk in darkness only to discover tender areas where bruises have developed from countless moments of bumps.... I feel uninvitingly pained. My heart is grieving

Lord, sometimes I feel that people make 'emotions' to be the spiritual adversary of our faith, the vilian... I beg to differ in one instance but in another I agree, because in this moment it's my broken heart that has called me to be still. And while my, our emotions in other instances hinder our growth process in you, I very much so know that you've given us this moldable heart of flesh that has demanded the right to know hurt, happiness, sorrow and joy.

So Lord, the question I've been asking myself on repeat is this.... 'What am I doing?'

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Why doesn't this seem to be going as 'good' as I thought it would?
Why is my greatest cheerleader gone?

On December 2nd @ 1050am my grandmother, my sweet Best Friend, went home to be with Jesus. Her graceful entrance was the most beautiful goodbye.... and for that moment I had nothing but joy for her. There were no mixed emotions, no selfish motives, no thought of the 'lack'. There was just pure joy in knowing that she was safe in the arms of Jesus and not having to 'hide under a rock' as she'd always say :) She was and is pain free, no longer stained by the curse of sin. She's with you and that is the greatest gifting that any of us could receive!

And then the hours passed where she was no longer in her blue chair by the couch. Or asking 'what's for dinner'? We weren't reading and praying before bed. I didn't hear her sweet voice as we gossiped. There was no coughing, no oxygen mask. No prepatory plans for prayer breakfast. No trips to Walmart. No special meals coming to the house. No grandma reminding me to 'wait on the Lord'. No one to take pics of... No more grandma. Went to bed and awoke with no friend greeting me. I use to do this thing most mornings where I would call her on the phone in the other room and say that I had been captured by the bed.. and she'd come in, sit on my bed and just love on me. We had so much fun.... I haven't had that since she's been gone. Life has lost it's enjoyment. My satisfaction level has fallen below 'Christian levels'. My contentment is muddled with heartache and I don't know what to do Lord. I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel more than alone in Wooster. It was of course your calling Lord but it was also my grandmothers greatest prayer for me... that you Lord would fulfill those things within me that you had prepared me for. Remember when she visited Wooster with me the first time! We had so much fun :)

Yet what I hate so much is our last few months together. Our mini arguments. The increased need to apologize. My lack of calling as much. I have so many regrets father that feel so overwhelming to even talk about.... so for now, so that I am not crying like a baby in this public space, I will leave those things, verbal apologies to a my sweet grandmother in your hands. Please let my grandmother know that living with her this past year and getting to love her was my greatest gift. I didn't realize it then.... but I've realized it everyday since December 2nd 2017 that after salvation, my greatest earthly gift was getting to be loved and taught by Lorene M Morris.

And though this separation seems unbearably great right now.... I know that soon I will be able to clearly see in detail every bit of what you did and what you're still wanting to do!

My Father in heaven you are my comforter. My very present help. Would you please continue to direct my steps. Please lead my path because quite honestly I don't feel as stable with this veil of grief crowding my vision. As I have, please help me to continue to bring every emotion back to you... and when they start to let up, please help me to use what my grandmother taught me to help other women. We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made......I know this full well!

Until next time Lord,
You are God and I trust you! Please forgive me for neglecting you and our time. I bring these broken pieces to you... because as you've knit me once I know you can do it again!
My love, my Best friend, my Jesus! I surrender....