Remove those dead man clothes!
As I sit here Lord on Good Friday I can't help but sense you uttering the words 'Restored... restored... restored' in my ear. Merciful father... it was today thousands of years ago when your back received each lashing that should have belonged to me. Your right hand and left pierced with the nail that should have been for me. I can't thank you enough... but I give you my life!
Restored & Loved!
Wow it's been quite a lengthy time since I've written...
So much has happened in between time...
But what has brought me back is this!
Satan doesn't want me to be Loved!
See in every way the Lord has delivered and restored me! My last post challenged me to step out and use my 'hidden' testimony for the sake/deliverance of a sweet friend. In 3 different arenas the Lord allowed me to share my past of same gender attraction, self gratification and pornography.
It was in sharing these sins that the Lord healed and delivered me 100% from a lifestyle of sin before Him and ultimately separation! And then God started me on the journey of discovering my Worth in HIM! I learned that I am Worthy because of His life in me! That I have Value for His kingdom! And I can live a life of FREEDOM to the fullest :)
And I promise in every way once the Lord showered me with His love in this way, it truly opened my eyes to the life that I felt He was wanting me to live! A thriving, vibrant, full life of ministry! So I started with praying for a home. Then for a traditional schedule. Then for a way to start taking foster care classes to become a foster parent.
Hence, in neither of those prayers did I pray for a husband, or future family! Because my heart was set on not waiting to start ministry once I met my husband but to live in such a way that if I didn't get married I wouldn't have regretted any second! And lives would still be impacted for the Kingdom of God!
It was then that I met Casey Allen White :) And by day 3 when the enemy would have had me daydreaming and fantasizing of impure acts with him, I sensed he Holy Spirit say very clearly... "Not this one. Hide him in your spirit! Fight for Him!" And that's what I chose then and am still to this day choosing to do!
But I'm writing in this moment because my heart is sensing in every way, the enemy of our souls stepping in and trying to make me feel that I don't 'deserve' to be loved by a man who loves Jesus more than life itself! Who is walking upright before our Lord and has a heart to minister to the broken and see them reconciled back to Christ!
This weekend we were able to minister together to two sweet young people who have a form of Godliness but aren't walking in the power of God currently. And any other time Casey and I have ministered, for instance, to the homeless... we've never encountered any type of resistance. But this past weekend was one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled times we ever had together. It's like in every area satan was attacking Casey and I which made ministering together quite tense at times. And looking back I can 100% see how God, despite our heavy, burdened, oppressed heart, how God worked every aspect out! He started the healing process within the two younger saints and amongst us God strengthened our resolve to remain faithful in the ministry of sharing the Gospel!
Yet... today it seems as though satan has extra time on his hands. There's a residue, a battle still going on in my heart. And after speaking with my mentor, in some ways I'm wondering if satan is playing on my own insecurities. If that is the case... I choose to allow this place to be the platform to share my deepest thoughts!
So here are my list of insecurities that I choose to place at the feet of Jesus and snatch from satans hands:
1. I am afraid of being over powered by satan. Of living a life of constant oppression for doingn the Lords will!
2. I am afraid that Casey will see my struggles and leave me
3. I'm afraid that Casey will think that I am the cause for such spiritual warefare
4. What if I heard God wrong? What if He didn't say that Casey 'was mine'? What if our relationship is simply for the sake of Makayla and Tyler?
5. What if we don't get married?
6. What if my heart is broken?
7. What if my heart is too much for Casey to carry? Sometimes I find that my sensitivity is only heightened when He's so calm! But thank you that He can be the stillness to my wave like emotions!
Lord,
You know that I trust you with all that I am! And even in the moments when satan shows his slithering deception... I still trust that you are in control! Why do I now get nervous whenever I say that I Love Casey White? Because I'm afraid to lose Him! But Lord the reality is... He's yours! So I choose to give Him back to you and you alone! My heart remains very much so bound to do your will and to love without disruption. I believe you gave me Casey to love with a Godly love! To cherish selflessly and to honor as my husband! But may in every way you find us faithful doing your will?
I love you Savior as my Lord :) I love Casey as my sweet man! And I love our life as divinely orchestrated!
So Lord.... I lay my desires and insecurities at your feet! You are God and I trust you!
So much has happened in between time...
But what has brought me back is this!
Satan doesn't want me to be Loved!
See in every way the Lord has delivered and restored me! My last post challenged me to step out and use my 'hidden' testimony for the sake/deliverance of a sweet friend. In 3 different arenas the Lord allowed me to share my past of same gender attraction, self gratification and pornography.
It was in sharing these sins that the Lord healed and delivered me 100% from a lifestyle of sin before Him and ultimately separation! And then God started me on the journey of discovering my Worth in HIM! I learned that I am Worthy because of His life in me! That I have Value for His kingdom! And I can live a life of FREEDOM to the fullest :)
And I promise in every way once the Lord showered me with His love in this way, it truly opened my eyes to the life that I felt He was wanting me to live! A thriving, vibrant, full life of ministry! So I started with praying for a home. Then for a traditional schedule. Then for a way to start taking foster care classes to become a foster parent.
Hence, in neither of those prayers did I pray for a husband, or future family! Because my heart was set on not waiting to start ministry once I met my husband but to live in such a way that if I didn't get married I wouldn't have regretted any second! And lives would still be impacted for the Kingdom of God!
It was then that I met Casey Allen White :) And by day 3 when the enemy would have had me daydreaming and fantasizing of impure acts with him, I sensed he Holy Spirit say very clearly... "Not this one. Hide him in your spirit! Fight for Him!" And that's what I chose then and am still to this day choosing to do!But I'm writing in this moment because my heart is sensing in every way, the enemy of our souls stepping in and trying to make me feel that I don't 'deserve' to be loved by a man who loves Jesus more than life itself! Who is walking upright before our Lord and has a heart to minister to the broken and see them reconciled back to Christ!
This weekend we were able to minister together to two sweet young people who have a form of Godliness but aren't walking in the power of God currently. And any other time Casey and I have ministered, for instance, to the homeless... we've never encountered any type of resistance. But this past weekend was one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled times we ever had together. It's like in every area satan was attacking Casey and I which made ministering together quite tense at times. And looking back I can 100% see how God, despite our heavy, burdened, oppressed heart, how God worked every aspect out! He started the healing process within the two younger saints and amongst us God strengthened our resolve to remain faithful in the ministry of sharing the Gospel!
Yet... today it seems as though satan has extra time on his hands. There's a residue, a battle still going on in my heart. And after speaking with my mentor, in some ways I'm wondering if satan is playing on my own insecurities. If that is the case... I choose to allow this place to be the platform to share my deepest thoughts!
So here are my list of insecurities that I choose to place at the feet of Jesus and snatch from satans hands:
1. I am afraid of being over powered by satan. Of living a life of constant oppression for doingn the Lords will!
2. I am afraid that Casey will see my struggles and leave me
3. I'm afraid that Casey will think that I am the cause for such spiritual warefare
4. What if I heard God wrong? What if He didn't say that Casey 'was mine'? What if our relationship is simply for the sake of Makayla and Tyler?
5. What if we don't get married?
6. What if my heart is broken?
7. What if my heart is too much for Casey to carry? Sometimes I find that my sensitivity is only heightened when He's so calm! But thank you that He can be the stillness to my wave like emotions!
Lord,
You know that I trust you with all that I am! And even in the moments when satan shows his slithering deception... I still trust that you are in control! Why do I now get nervous whenever I say that I Love Casey White? Because I'm afraid to lose Him! But Lord the reality is... He's yours! So I choose to give Him back to you and you alone! My heart remains very much so bound to do your will and to love without disruption. I believe you gave me Casey to love with a Godly love! To cherish selflessly and to honor as my husband! But may in every way you find us faithful doing your will?
I love you Savior as my Lord :) I love Casey as my sweet man! And I love our life as divinely orchestrated!
So Lord.... I lay my desires and insecurities at your feet! You are God and I trust you!