We Had to Seperate!

Amazing what God does when we cry out to Him. When we ask Jesus the big "Why" question when so many Christians feel guilty over. Yet... in our deepest, most desperate state of mind, when no answers given by good, well meaning friends and family, seem to suffice... turning to Jesus is the only lifeline that we can hang on to!

And just to add to that... the more hurt we experience in our lives the easier it will become to make Jesus the first One that we cry out to!

Hence... I'm here! After nearly 4 months of journeying and falling in love with the man that I thought would be my husband one day... all ended with one quick message. And the 2 stopped being 2.... and returned to just being one.

In the midst of my heartbreak I turned to friends and family for solice. I ached for closure in ways that no one seemed to be able to offer. And then, when the hurt seemed to rip my heart into imeasurable pieces... that's when I dropped to my knees and cried out to Jesus! "LORD... WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE FOR THIS NOW PAIN".

I wanted to know from the Lord why He would allow me to journey, to love, to sense peace every step of the way... for it to only turn into heart wrenching pain!

And then this morning happened! And as I meditated on the Lord and All that He's been doing He shared one incredible truth with me which ended up being confirmed in my Ladies Bible Study this morning!

In my relationship with Casey we had fun. But so much of that fun was spent reminiscing about the good old days. The music, the lingo. He'd spend minutes upon minutes throwing out lyrics in which I would join in happily. Though before Casey I'd not thought of those songs in forever. Many of them I knew because my mom or family listened to them. Even the ones that were demeaning to women.... in which I reminded Him often! That they indeed were demeaning. But I loved the man... therefore If it was fun for Him to enjoy His few moments of reminiscing then I was by His side.

Of course we had tons of other types of fun... but He always felt comfortable around me to relive out loud. Yet.... looking back I can now see that in so many ways, in our relationship, He was really living in both worlds still. Reminiscing of all the inappropriate songs, singing, laughing and finding himself lost in the moment. And then turning on Christian music!

Or still sometimes drinking alcohol that He was once delivered from. But enjoyed the taste. He loved the Lord Jesus but when it came to 'Leaving those things behind...', Having a spirit of excellency.... He wasn't there yet!

And unfortunately... that may have been the very thing that caused our relationship to come to an end! I refused to be pulled back and maybe in some ways He wasn't ready to be pulled up. No... I'm not perfect! But One thing I do know is that I'm pressing toward the mark of the High calling of Jesus! And if Jesus thinks enough to tell me to Be Holy... then everything that limits that journey must be thrown into the fire!

Excellency! Some say that my standards are too high... but the reality of it is this, my standards are grounded in the Word of God! In what He tells us to do, how He prompts us to live! And I want to look more and more like Jesus every single day!

So if that means that I remain single, because there's no man out there who also has this heartbeat, then by God's Grace I will live it well! But if I am to be married one day Lord, my prayer is that you would mold my husband with a spirit of excellency who will live above reproach! Who will actively seek to Be Holy like Jesus! Who will communicate and challenge me to exemplify Christ! And who above all else will honor my convictions and standards... knowing that they ALL stem from the desire to Love Christ more that I did when I first said YES!

Having fun is great... but there is a Godly fun that honors Christ and fits Christians who are in the world but not of it!