-Expose to become clean!
-I have the power, through God, to share my testimony and see a generation saved. Would I keep it to myself for my own safety? To not be shunned? To keep up an image? Or can I trust God enough to shield me from satans attacks even when i'm afraid of the aftermath?

Play it safe or Be obedient?
How do I overcome? Blood of the lamb and word of their testimony!

Dish time Revelation!

Thank you Lord!

As I was standing at my sink washing my 3000 piled up dishes the Lord began to speak with me His truth! Yesterday I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a group called 'Alethia' at my church. During our women's retreat, a few days earlier, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity of meeting a girl named Emily who invited me! I'd thought, according to the description on the church's website that the age bracket was 18-25.... which left me 2 years over! But she said I could come anyhow, so I did.

It was so great! The message, led by the youth pastor was ok :) The young adult pastor filled in many of the awkward spaces. But none the less I was reminded in Ephesians 5 to not even allow 'sin' to be named amongst us saints! But afterwards many of the ladies approached me and we just talked about everything from the women's retreat, to coffee, to working out and etc! Invited each other on facebook and etc. Well this morning I awoke and had 15 messages which turned out to be a group chat for an event that I was invited to! Praise God :) Starting off with yoga, then breakfast. And while there's so many more details in between... I was blessed to be invited!

But as I stood at my sink scraping dish by dish my mind began to be filled with God's sweet voice. 'Tish, even though your personality yields more to one on one settings, your past life of same gender attraction and sexual sin, has left you with no other choice than to become one who surrounds herself with 2 or more.' And with that I was left feeling like my life just opened up a new door. I guess my mentality of intimate relationships never consisted of more than one... but the reality is that while there is a time and place for that, I should be surrounding myself with several women, in the same gathering, that know me intimately and who can speak into my life and vice versa. 

Isolation, unfortunately, has been my stumbling block. I think of a previous relationship where myself and the person I called friend would make every effort to find 'alone' space. This didn't turn out so well because it secluded everyone else from knowing us. We became a unit to ourselves. UNHEALTHY! Even now i've been struggling in my heart with a sweet friend who is just like me... more reserved, doesn't share everything with everyone! The blessing of our friendship is that she isn't a person who doesn't have other friends! She very much so does which means that here and now I have the opportunity to practice healthy relations and enjoy the presence of other sisters... which would take the unintentional pressure off of her to be my 'do everything with' friend! 

Those dishes became more clean with every stroke! And that's what I so look forward to with my own life! Deliverance in and through God's gift of the Body of Christ! I'm excited to journey with these women and what I'm really looking forward to is being real and vulnerable as the opportunity lends itself! 

Here goes something! 
Water turned off, drying towel in hand! 

Passive Ministry!

Today I stuck my foot in my mouth during a moment that was intended to be ministry. I simply, through the cracks, wanted to ask someone if they were still struggling with things of the past... And I was called out to the carpet.
It was awkward. I felt nauseated. Of course I cleaned it up and the conversation turned a corner.... But how and why do I get myself caught in moments like that?
Lord please send those that need an encouraging word regarding sexual sins of their past to me. I can't go out hunting anymore. Nothing about it was right. And I hated it! I'm not my own Shepard. You have to make whomever it is ready.
Forgive me Lord for trying to do your work! I love you and I release this whole Women's Ministry gifting to you!
I will be present when you send them :)

My Thorn...

9 years! I've been saved and walking with Jesus Christ for 9 yrs out of my 27. It may not seem like much but in my heart it feels like a lifetime! God has done so much within the very DNA of my soul. Healing, deliverance, provision, progression... strength, hope, intimacy, courage, resiliency. Peace, longsuffering, forgiveness, trust, resolve. These are just some of the Words that mirror the lessons God has taught me! He's been so patient in my life... in the midst of me not really knowing how to 'KNOW' Him. Truly, I don't understand why He chose me... but He has. So often it would be easier to think that He just needed extra hands and feet to carry the Gospel...but then i'm reminded that He is God! And all of creation is at His beckon call. He is God and the universe declares His glory! He is God who has the ability to plant a vision in the mind of a man/woman while they sleep... a vision of Himself! Who spoke to Joseph about His perfect plan! He saved Paul while He was yet blind. Who shared with the woman caught in adultary that she was forgiven.... no judges but Himself, but One! The Only One... and He said Go and sin no more!

This God that I serve gave the most important thing up for the sake of me; His Son Jesus! This God that calls us the Apple of His eye... And while I don't want to sound selfish by using the Word 'me'.... I've gotta make this thing personal! Because in every single way... I've only been asked to carry one Cross! And that's the Cross that my Christ was nailed to! So it's 'me' whose soul feels like it's on the line.

I've been saved for 9 incredible yrs. And with elegance and ease i've been honored to live a life that 'draws' others to Christ. Some say I make it look easy and I say 'It's God that they're seeing'... because in all reality I struggle. I struggle in my Christian walk to be free from my past.

For as long as I can remember, much longer than being saved, i've struggled with same sex attraction. With having homosexual tendencies. With sexual impurity. At a very young age, between 7-9, I began having sex with my cousins... 'experimenting' because we, at such a young age witnessed our moms 'experiment' with men and women. So whether it was a girl cousin, boy cousin, or uncle....we didn't know any difference. At a very young age a sexual spirit was awakened within me that I had no control over. We never had anyone sitting us down telling us that it was wrong? Little games like 'hide and go get it' filled our inner city neighborhood streets... while in other parts of the world children were playing 'hide and go seek'. In our version of the game if you were found you'd have to perform some sexual act. Guess who was found often? And not just by one person but often by 2. Now it would be considered 3-play or 4-play, but to us kids... it was the price of playing the game. We knew no difference. 

Then we were taken from my mother and placed into foster home, I was 12 and my sister was 6. I was manipulative, I knew how to get my way and use my body to do so. I was like my mother, had an appealing 'thick' body that made me appear older than I really was. So it didn't throw me off when my foster family's 28 yr old son approached me with sex. I knew the system and it worked. Or when the foster father opened up about his sex life... I wasn't baffled. It was just the type of world I knew... grew up in. We didn't have church... I lived with hypocrites. 

I was the one in control especially when it came to inviting boys back to my home when no one was home. Hook line and sinker. And then in high school when bi-sexual activities were presented to me... it became just a piece of the already started puzzle. 

Then I met Jesus! Moved to TX for a year and everything seemed to have settled. I believe I opened up about my 'same sex attractions' once before because I lived in a room with 5 girls and felt the need to be open about where I came from. But at the time I was also in an atmosphere where we were actively practicing self disciplines on a weekly, if not daily, basis. We were the church, come together! Prayed together, ate together, worked out together, climbed mountains together, went on mission trips together..... It was like satan had no entrance in! I miss those days so so so much! I honestly don't remember ever struggling during that time! Then I graduated 2009....

Moved back home and for quite some time it felt like the Lord blessed me with a shield of protection! He and I communed regularly.... He placed me in an all girls nursing school with one mind, to do His will! Become a nurse, to be a medical missionary, to spread the gospel! I was ready! And then I met Linda... on a mission trip in Venezuela. She and her family were the family members of the pastor of the church I attended at the time. I was so blessed by the mission trip.... God did some amazing things during that time! It wasn't until afterwards that I'd fallen back into the trap of a same sex relationship. It seemed like it happened so fast where I became the one 'preyed' on... though I in no way was innocent. My good intentions of wanting a mentor, especially in a position that I one day wanted to be, as a missionary quickly turned into a very inappropriate and sexual relationship where one day we were in public to the next being in a hotel room. 

Thankfully, my Savior, called it out into the open in which I quickly repented and relinquished my deliverance back into the Lords hands. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. Because in so many ways, since that moment, I feel as though i've been attacked more and more lately. And that's what brings me here... now.

Living alone here in Wooster has been so incredibly wonderful! But i'm isolated...when it comes to fellowship unfortunately i've not been able journey with many. I've struggled somewhat for quite sometime with having 'normal' girlfriend relationships... due to my background, but when it comes to close Godly sisterhood friendships I find that I am attacked there the most! Now don't get me wrong... I've got a best friend who is closer than a sister who I've never stumbled with, thought inappropriately about, been attracted to... and for that reason I KNOW without a doubt that she has been God's special gift and reminder of purity! But that's as far as it goes! 

Outside of the whole attraction issue... I know for a fact that God created me to be a very intimate woman! Who desires to know the heart of the other. Who enjoys living in the moment with others and is more than willing to connect! But having this kind of personality unfortunately feels more like tools for satan to use against me. I know God is calling me into womens ministry.... but how can I, a woman who struggles with same sex attractions, ever help lead a group of women into a lifestyle of freedom, deliverance and purpose. 
"Tell your story"--- Is all that I hear God saying....

Lord! If this is the key that you want to use to give me complete freedom, then this is what i'll do! Show me how....
As I went into the library today to find literature to read about 'Breaking free from sexual sin' or 'Deliverance' I was very disheartened to hear what type of Christian literature was offered.... rather the small amount there was. But even more disheartening was the compromise of what was offered... titles like (paraphrased):
-Perspectives from a gay pastor
-How the Bible supports homosexuality
-God loves you even though your gay
-The rainbow bible

My heart broke at how many people tried to incorporate homosexuality into a Christian lifestyle. How it's ok to have tendencies and still be a Christian. Accepting the way you are.... NO!NO!NO! Absolutely NOT! My heart is so broken that people would be ok with the way that they are.... we are! God did not make us this way. It is sin that has caused us to have these unnatural affections. I will be the first to say that it was the way that I was brought up that nurtured these unnatural affections within me... not having a dad in my life to show me what a real man looks like. Rather seeing men use my mother for sex and etc. It was seeing the men in my family follow the pimp lifestyle that their father exemplified. It was having sexual relations with both genders at such a young age... when everyone else was being told about the birds and the bees or seeing it played out in their own home with a mother and father figure. It was having a gay uncle. It was having a lesbian as a cousin. It was my upbringing that caused me to prefer the emotional aspect of women more than men. That has caused me to be attracted to what I didn't' have! Heck no..... I was not born this way, nor was anyone else. And yes... I do believe that even the thought of biological involvement is a lie from satan. But I understand how people can believe it.

 I in no way am blaming those who are practicing open homosexuality, because I once did. My heart goes out to them because in so many ways, I know, that if I didn't have the spirit of God living within me, I too would be holding up a rainbow flag. But God has delivered me... even though I still have thoughts, dreams and fantasies, God has delivered me from my right to make my own decision regarding my life! I am HIS.... and that's the final say! 

So... nope.... i'm not whole, it's not easy, I still have to daily say no to my flesh... but because Jesus died to give me an opportunity to be saved, its worth it! Before I ever compromise again i'd rather die! And I mean that whole-heartedly. I don't believe there is a such thing as a 'Gay-Christian' or a 'Homosexual Christian'.... I believe we are just Christians who are clinging to the hand of Christ to not give in to sexual tendencies that won't let go of us!

We are new creations! And I will not be identified by my thorn! In Jesus name :) 

The Redeemed! 

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."- 1 Timothy 6:12

These 4 Squares...

Father, I ask for your faithful Grace and Patience. My heart, and maybe even hormones, have been so imbalanced these past few months and the only words I can put on it are 'unreal expectations'.

I know and still believe with conviction that your plan for me was to move to Wooster Ohio and to work at the Hospital! Even when they rejected me for the scholarship... I just knew that it was still your will! Even when I failed NCLEX 3 times... I knew it was still YOUR will! During the year long wait... I waited, sometimes impatiently, knowing that you were a God who would never give me a desire that wasn't your will!Who would never give me a relentless longing without fulfilling it! I trusted you and you came through!

I still trust you! I've not forgotten of your tangible love and closeness. Your Grace and provision upon my life has been like a fairy tale... with every great ending! God my heart pants for you in a way that I couldn't have learned without the season of waiting!

But as I sit here in Wooster.... I find that loneliness has become the burden of my heart. Lord... you created me, you know me, and you know that my heart longs for relationship. For family. For Spiritual companionship. And my biggest heartbreak is that subconsciously I try to place this burden on everyone that I meet here. Yet, when their lives seem to not cater to my sadness/loneliness (which is a foolish + unrealistic expectation) then I feel rejected and most often forgotten.

I just want to connect Lord! I'm beginning to resent waking up + falling asleep in an empty home. Nothing moved out of place by anothers hands.... dishes still in the sink. Cars passing back and forth. Seasons changing within these 4 squares of my life.

Will I ever connect here Lord? Will it ever go beyond this view? Am I asking for too much? Am I not being grateful for your presence? Am I missing what you are wanting to teach me now.... in the silence and uncommitted moments? I'm present and ready to learn! But what I ask Lord is that you would please sooth my heart in the meantime... and may these 4 squares be the entrance of you SON!

I love you.... Thank you for your GOODNESS and Glory!!! May your Glory fill my home!

The last day...

Today is the last day of 2017--- December 31st @ 3:07 to be exact.

My couch is currently supporting me and all that 2017 held. Coffee steaming with the waves of instrumental worship settling the atmosphere. The smell of breakfast blend serenading my home. White topped cars and lawns outside my window and my sweet cat resting on my leg... A picture perfect scene! I do love moments like this...

Yet this past year didn't quite feel like a picture perfect scene. Looking back at it now I can honestly say that it was more trying than any other. It held my heartbreak and grief, joys and celebrations than any other season of my life. But one thing that I can attest to... God was good! Honestly with no hesitation!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This past season in a nutshell:
Graduated from nursing college April 30th 2016
Two failed attempts with the NCLEX
Gram was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma November 2016 (A few months later we brought in home hospice for their home health services and overall care as Gram, through wisdom, decided to not undergo chemo. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like if shed went through with treatment... we may not have had as many good days.)
Started working at Marc's
Chelley's Review course from February to June 
Passed my NCLEX on the 4th attempt on June 19th
Gram birthday celebration on June 21st
Started working at WCH on July 10th
Moved out of grams to Wooster in September
Grams homegoing to be with Jesus December 2nd
Looking at the timeline above makes that season look quite short... but I will be the first to say that every single day felt like a thousand. God was faithful in molding and providing for me physically, emotionally, mentally but most importantly spiritually. And while I could not see it then I see it crystal clear now that God's greatest gift to me during my past season was my grandmother. My sweet grandmother Lorene M Morris was every bit all that I strive to be. An incredible woman of God, a beautiful, loyal, submissive, strong and devoted wife. A mother, sister, cousin grandmother and great grandmother. In every way I was taught these past 12 years, but more so within this past year, how to be devoted to God first! How to wait on Him for direction and wisdom. To be patient always and give God the glory regardless. And in times when I'm down she'd always remind me to sing songs of praise, because it was hymnals that helped her make it through.

The other day Mr. Kent said that it I was the reason gram was left down here for 2 extra years following grandpa Morris' homegoing... and to this all I can say is thank you Lord! I miss her daily, Lord knows I do... but those lessons that she taught me from how to prepare a home for guests, to praying for others and studying God's Words, will never be lost. I still have my days when I'm not so sure how to move forward but then I am reminded by God's special nudge that He has never left me nor forsaken.... that He is faithful to lead me as father! So... one day at a time! Though there won't be anymore sweet moments of scripture time, back rubs, laughs during the night or joking, I know that my God will continue to fill in those areas of void. 
I've been living in Wooster Ohio for about 3 months now... the dream and calling finally came to fruition. But not quite in the way that I thought it would be? I love my job and the many nurses I get to serve next to! Some closer than others :) But... within these few months I haven't really been able to find my footing, where I fit in. I don't know many people here in Wooster unfortunately, so that leaves me at home with my sweet cat sage quite a bit. It does get lonely I must admit. The Lord has brought 2 good friends my way which has been a blessing. The one that I work with is who I tend to hang out with more often which is and has been a blessing. So.... my prayer is that the Lord would do what only He can... help me to reach out/receive those that He has created me to journey with! 
Lastly, what I sense God calling me to! From a very young age I knew that I wanted to be a 'baby doctor' and while I'm sure it was to help the babies when they leave their mothers womb,  I honestly think even then it was to be the support system for the woman as she transitioned into this new role. As I grew older it was very evident that the Lord had placed women's health on my heart and mind. I was passionate then and even more so now to see women reach their full potential with holistic wellness. Our bodies, as women, are so unique and complex! The way that God had to diversify the strands of our DNA to give us the ability to bring forth life is just incredible to me! But it doesn't just start when we get pregnant... it actually starts the moment we take our first breath! Consider this... a woman is at a much higher risk for reproductive cancer simply because of the unique way we are created. Cleanliness and preventative care for the woman can not only save her but can also influence generations to come! Great example would be the tampon use in our society. Well known complications include UTI's, toxic shock syndrome, PID and even cervical cancer. But if a young girl is never told this, nor ever taught the proper way to decrease chances of complications then in fact she will either become infertile or die as a result. In no way am I trying to be morbid rather we need more women's health practitioners who have a holistic heart! 

*A little insert here: I've also over this past year or so been able to really see why satan has tried so often to destroy me as a woman. My past history with sexual immorality, impure tendencies, self gratification and pornography at one point caused me to totally push away friendships with other women due to the thought of falling away from God again. Even just speaking of purity, when I'd lost mine at the age of 11, I use to think 'how could I ever speak with another woman about abstinence when I no longer was a virgin? Or how could I clearly get the message across regarding our worth as women when I'd given away, what felt like, all that I was worth to countless men and women. I use to think that if I were to share the message of Agape Love and Saving ourselves for marriage that people would see me as a hypocrite... but the reality is, this message God has called me to share is His message! From His words and not my own :) 

So what I am learning to do,when my hormones may rage, when impure thoughts cross my mind, when unGodly urges creep in... I pray! Plead with God to remove the hand of the enemy and to fight my battles! I do this first and foremost for Jesus... I take salvation very seriously and my desire is to be Holy as He is Holy. I do it because I love Him and His death on the cross for me has delivered me from unGodliness! From Sin :) He who the son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36) I want to be free to love and worship God! Second reason is this... I plead the blood of Jesus over any stronghold that would stand against me and what God has called me to! I do it for the sweet women who struggle with their own purity! If I can be an  example of Victory then it makes all the difference to me! Satan cannot and will not have the calling that God has placed over Otisha Germany! In Jesus name!

Yet within the past year God has given me a passionate/convicted heart about women's health within the church; women's ministry! I believe in my heart and know that God has called me to be a minister of the gospel to the women within the Body of Christ. I experienced quite a confirmation as I sat in a Bible Study and found myself surrounded around sweet women who loved Jesus more than anything but didn't quite have a hunger to go Deeper into the Word of God. Who were content with just talking around the Bible... about very applicable things none the less, but didn't possess the hunger to study scripture alone. My heart broke for them and for the church as a whole. So many of us women have a surface level, are milk drinkers still because we've fallen use to our husbands scriptural strength. And while that's so wonderful to have a husband who is strong and solid in the Word, who leads in truth and conviction, we too need to be nourished and strengthened. Where does it begin? I've grown so tired of hearing others profess the gospel and just ingesting.... I want to give it back as the Lord leads!

So right now I am actively praying that the Lord would send me someone who is actively in the ministry, teaching and partaking in raising Godly women up for the Kingdom of God! Teaching us how to understand scripture, to rightly divide God's Word as well as how to use it in our homes and our World today.

God's timing! Gods peace!

So... this upcoming years Word is..... Preparation!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."- Ephesians 2:10

God is preparing me for what's already been prepared! Excited to walk in them :) 
See you soon 2018!

Broken peices....

Lord... here I am on 12/27 feeling... broken. Messed up. Confused and lost. Like trying to walk in darkness only to discover tender areas where bruises have developed from countless moments of bumps.... I feel uninvitingly pained. My heart is grieving

Lord, sometimes I feel that people make 'emotions' to be the spiritual adversary of our faith, the vilian... I beg to differ in one instance but in another I agree, because in this moment it's my broken heart that has called me to be still. And while my, our emotions in other instances hinder our growth process in you, I very much so know that you've given us this moldable heart of flesh that has demanded the right to know hurt, happiness, sorrow and joy.

So Lord, the question I've been asking myself on repeat is this.... 'What am I doing?'

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Why doesn't this seem to be going as 'good' as I thought it would?
Why is my greatest cheerleader gone?

On December 2nd @ 1050am my grandmother, my sweet Best Friend, went home to be with Jesus. Her graceful entrance was the most beautiful goodbye.... and for that moment I had nothing but joy for her. There were no mixed emotions, no selfish motives, no thought of the 'lack'. There was just pure joy in knowing that she was safe in the arms of Jesus and not having to 'hide under a rock' as she'd always say :) She was and is pain free, no longer stained by the curse of sin. She's with you and that is the greatest gifting that any of us could receive!

And then the hours passed where she was no longer in her blue chair by the couch. Or asking 'what's for dinner'? We weren't reading and praying before bed. I didn't hear her sweet voice as we gossiped. There was no coughing, no oxygen mask. No prepatory plans for prayer breakfast. No trips to Walmart. No special meals coming to the house. No grandma reminding me to 'wait on the Lord'. No one to take pics of... No more grandma. Went to bed and awoke with no friend greeting me. I use to do this thing most mornings where I would call her on the phone in the other room and say that I had been captured by the bed.. and she'd come in, sit on my bed and just love on me. We had so much fun.... I haven't had that since she's been gone. Life has lost it's enjoyment. My satisfaction level has fallen below 'Christian levels'. My contentment is muddled with heartache and I don't know what to do Lord. I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel more than alone in Wooster. It was of course your calling Lord but it was also my grandmothers greatest prayer for me... that you Lord would fulfill those things within me that you had prepared me for. Remember when she visited Wooster with me the first time! We had so much fun :)

Yet what I hate so much is our last few months together. Our mini arguments. The increased need to apologize. My lack of calling as much. I have so many regrets father that feel so overwhelming to even talk about.... so for now, so that I am not crying like a baby in this public space, I will leave those things, verbal apologies to a my sweet grandmother in your hands. Please let my grandmother know that living with her this past year and getting to love her was my greatest gift. I didn't realize it then.... but I've realized it everyday since December 2nd 2017 that after salvation, my greatest earthly gift was getting to be loved and taught by Lorene M Morris.

And though this separation seems unbearably great right now.... I know that soon I will be able to clearly see in detail every bit of what you did and what you're still wanting to do!

My Father in heaven you are my comforter. My very present help. Would you please continue to direct my steps. Please lead my path because quite honestly I don't feel as stable with this veil of grief crowding my vision. As I have, please help me to continue to bring every emotion back to you... and when they start to let up, please help me to use what my grandmother taught me to help other women. We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made......I know this full well!

Until next time Lord,
You are God and I trust you! Please forgive me for neglecting you and our time. I bring these broken pieces to you... because as you've knit me once I know you can do it again!
My love, my Best friend, my Jesus! I surrender....

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