These 4 Squares...

Father, I ask for your faithful Grace and Patience. My heart, and maybe even hormones, have been so imbalanced these past few months and the only words I can put on it are 'unreal expectations'.

I know and still believe with conviction that your plan for me was to move to Wooster Ohio and to work at the Hospital! Even when they rejected me for the scholarship... I just knew that it was still your will! Even when I failed NCLEX 3 times... I knew it was still YOUR will! During the year long wait... I waited, sometimes impatiently, knowing that you were a God who would never give me a desire that wasn't your will!Who would never give me a relentless longing without fulfilling it! I trusted you and you came through!

I still trust you! I've not forgotten of your tangible love and closeness. Your Grace and provision upon my life has been like a fairy tale... with every great ending! God my heart pants for you in a way that I couldn't have learned without the season of waiting!

But as I sit here in Wooster.... I find that loneliness has become the burden of my heart. Lord... you created me, you know me, and you know that my heart longs for relationship. For family. For Spiritual companionship. And my biggest heartbreak is that subconsciously I try to place this burden on everyone that I meet here. Yet, when their lives seem to not cater to my sadness/loneliness (which is a foolish + unrealistic expectation) then I feel rejected and most often forgotten.

I just want to connect Lord! I'm beginning to resent waking up + falling asleep in an empty home. Nothing moved out of place by anothers hands.... dishes still in the sink. Cars passing back and forth. Seasons changing within these 4 squares of my life.

Will I ever connect here Lord? Will it ever go beyond this view? Am I asking for too much? Am I not being grateful for your presence? Am I missing what you are wanting to teach me now.... in the silence and uncommitted moments? I'm present and ready to learn! But what I ask Lord is that you would please sooth my heart in the meantime... and may these 4 squares be the entrance of you SON!

I love you.... Thank you for your GOODNESS and Glory!!! May your Glory fill my home!

The last day...

Today is the last day of 2017--- December 31st @ 3:07 to be exact.

My couch is currently supporting me and all that 2017 held. Coffee steaming with the waves of instrumental worship settling the atmosphere. The smell of breakfast blend serenading my home. White topped cars and lawns outside my window and my sweet cat resting on my leg... A picture perfect scene! I do love moments like this...

Yet this past year didn't quite feel like a picture perfect scene. Looking back at it now I can honestly say that it was more trying than any other. It held my heartbreak and grief, joys and celebrations than any other season of my life. But one thing that I can attest to... God was good! Honestly with no hesitation!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This past season in a nutshell:
Graduated from nursing college April 30th 2016
Two failed attempts with the NCLEX
Gram was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma November 2016 (A few months later we brought in home hospice for their home health services and overall care as Gram, through wisdom, decided to not undergo chemo. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like if shed went through with treatment... we may not have had as many good days.)
Started working at Marc's
Chelley's Review course from February to June 
Passed my NCLEX on the 4th attempt on June 19th
Gram birthday celebration on June 21st
Started working at WCH on July 10th
Moved out of grams to Wooster in September
Grams homegoing to be with Jesus December 2nd
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Looking at the timeline above makes that season look quite short... but I will be the first to say that every single day felt like a thousand. God was faithful in molding and providing for me physically, emotionally, mentally but most importantly spiritually. And while I could not see it then I see it crystal clear now that God's greatest gift to me during my past season was my grandmother. My sweet grandmother Lorene M Morris was every bit all that I strive to be. An incredible woman of God, a beautiful, loyal, submissive, strong and devoted wife. A mother, sister, cousin grandmother and great grandmother. In every way I was taught these past 12 years, but more so within this past year, how to be devoted to God first! How to wait on Him for direction and wisdom. To be patient always and give God the glory regardless. And in times when I'm down she'd always remind me to sing songs of praise, because it was hymnals that helped her make it through.

The other day Mr. Kent said that it I was the reason gram was left down here for 2 extra years following grandpa Morris' homegoing... and to this all I can say is thank you Lord! I miss her daily, Lord knows I do... but those lessons that she taught me from how to prepare a home for guests, to praying for others and studying God's Words, will never be lost. I still have my days when I'm not so sure how to move forward but then I am reminded by God's special nudge that He has never left me nor forsaken.... that He is faithful to lead me as father! So... one day at a time! Though there won't be anymore sweet moments of scripture time, back rubs, laughs during the night or joking, I know that my God will continue to fill in those areas of void. 
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I've been living in Wooster Ohio for about 3 months now... the dream and calling finally came to fruition. But not quite in the way that I thought it would be? I love my job and the many nurses I get to serve next to! Some closer than others :) But... within these few months I haven't really been able to find my footing, where I fit in. I don't know many people here in Wooster unfortunately, so that leaves me at home with my sweet cat sage quite a bit. It does get lonely I must admit. The Lord has brought 2 good friends my way which has been a blessing. The one that I work with is who I tend to hang out with more often which is and has been a blessing. So.... my prayer is that the Lord would do what only He can... help me to reach out/receive those that He has created me to journey with! 
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Lastly, what I sense God calling me to! From a very young age I knew that I wanted to be a 'baby doctor' and while I'm sure it was to help the babies when they leave their mothers womb,  I honestly think even then it was to be the support system for the woman as she transitioned into this new role. As I grew older it was very evident that the Lord had placed women's health on my heart and mind. I was passionate then and even more so now to see women reach their full potential with holistic wellness. Our bodies, as women, are so unique and complex! The way that God had to diversify the strands of our DNA to give us the ability to bring forth life is just incredible to me! But it doesn't just start when we get pregnant... it actually starts the moment we take our first breath! Consider this... a woman is at a much higher risk for reproductive cancer simply because of the unique way we are created. Cleanliness and preventative care for the woman can not only save her but can also influence generations to come! Great example would be the tampon use in our society. Well known complications include UTI's, toxic shock syndrome, PID and even cervical cancer. But if a young girl is never told this, nor ever taught the proper way to decrease chances of complications then in fact she will either become infertile or die as a result. In no way am I trying to be morbid rather we need more women's health practitioners who have a holistic heart! 
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*A little insert here: I've also over this past year or so been able to really see why satan has tried so often to destroy me as a woman. My past history with sexual immorality, impure tendencies, self gratification and pornography at one point caused me to totally push away friendships with other women due to the thought of falling away from God again. Even just speaking of purity, when I'd lost mine at the age of 11, I use to think 'how could I ever speak with another woman about abstinence when I no longer was a virgin? Or how could I clearly get the message across regarding our worth as women when I'd given away, what felt like, all that I was worth to countless men and women. I use to think that if I were to share the message of Agape Love and Saving ourselves for marriage that people would see me as a hypocrite... but the reality is, this message God has called me to share is His message! From His words and not my own :) 

So what I am learning to do,when my hormones may rage, when impure thoughts cross my mind, when unGodly urges creep in... I pray! Plead with God to remove the hand of the enemy and to fight my battles! I do this first and foremost for Jesus... I take salvation very seriously and my desire is to be Holy as He is Holy. I do it because I love Him and His death on the cross for me has delivered me from unGodliness! From Sin :) He who the son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36) I want to be free to love and worship God! Second reason is this... I plead the blood of Jesus over any stronghold that would stand against me and what God has called me to! I do it for the sweet women who struggle with their own purity! If I can be an  example of Victory then it makes all the difference to me! Satan cannot and will not have the calling that God has placed over Otisha Germany! In Jesus name!
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Yet within the past year God has given me a passionate/convicted heart about women's health within the church; women's ministry! I believe in my heart and know that God has called me to be a minister of the gospel to the women within the Body of Christ. I experienced quite a confirmation as I sat in a Bible Study and found myself surrounded around sweet women who loved Jesus more than anything but didn't quite have a hunger to go Deeper into the Word of God. Who were content with just talking around the Bible... about very applicable things none the less, but didn't possess the hunger to study scripture alone. My heart broke for them and for the church as a whole. So many of us women have a surface level, are milk drinkers still because we've fallen use to our husbands scriptural strength. And while that's so wonderful to have a husband who is strong and solid in the Word, who leads in truth and conviction, we too need to be nourished and strengthened. Where does it begin? I've grown so tired of hearing others profess the gospel and just ingesting.... I want to give it back as the Lord leads!

So right now I am actively praying that the Lord would send me someone who is actively in the ministry, teaching and partaking in raising Godly women up for the Kingdom of God! Teaching us how to understand scripture, to rightly divide God's Word as well as how to use it in our homes and our World today.

God's timing! Gods peace!

So... this upcoming years Word is..... Preparation!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."- Ephesians 2:10

God is preparing me for what's already been prepared! Excited to walk in them :) 
See you soon 2018!

Broken peices....

Lord... here I am on 12/27 feeling... broken. Messed up. Confused and lost. Like trying to walk in darkness only to discover tender areas where bruises have developed from countless moments of bumps.... I feel uninvitingly pained. My heart is grieving

Lord, sometimes I feel that people make 'emotions' to be the spiritual adversary of our faith, the vilian... I beg to differ in one instance but in another I agree, because in this moment it's my broken heart that has called me to be still. And while my, our emotions in other instances hinder our growth process in you, I very much so know that you've given us this moldable heart of flesh that has demanded the right to know hurt, happiness, sorrow and joy.

So Lord, the question I've been asking myself on repeat is this.... 'What am I doing?'

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Why doesn't this seem to be going as 'good' as I thought it would?
Why is my greatest cheerleader gone?

On December 2nd @ 1050am my grandmother, my sweet Best Friend, went home to be with Jesus. Her graceful entrance was the most beautiful goodbye.... and for that moment I had nothing but joy for her. There were no mixed emotions, no selfish motives, no thought of the 'lack'. There was just pure joy in knowing that she was safe in the arms of Jesus and not having to 'hide under a rock' as she'd always say :) She was and is pain free, no longer stained by the curse of sin. She's with you and that is the greatest gifting that any of us could receive!

And then the hours passed where she was no longer in her blue chair by the couch. Or asking 'what's for dinner'? We weren't reading and praying before bed. I didn't hear her sweet voice as we gossiped. There was no coughing, no oxygen mask. No prepatory plans for prayer breakfast. No trips to Walmart. No special meals coming to the house. No grandma reminding me to 'wait on the Lord'. No one to take pics of... No more grandma. Went to bed and awoke with no friend greeting me. I use to do this thing most mornings where I would call her on the phone in the other room and say that I had been captured by the bed.. and she'd come in, sit on my bed and just love on me. We had so much fun.... I haven't had that since she's been gone. Life has lost it's enjoyment. My satisfaction level has fallen below 'Christian levels'. My contentment is muddled with heartache and I don't know what to do Lord. I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel more than alone in Wooster. It was of course your calling Lord but it was also my grandmothers greatest prayer for me... that you Lord would fulfill those things within me that you had prepared me for. Remember when she visited Wooster with me the first time! We had so much fun :)

Yet what I hate so much is our last few months together. Our mini arguments. The increased need to apologize. My lack of calling as much. I have so many regrets father that feel so overwhelming to even talk about.... so for now, so that I am not crying like a baby in this public space, I will leave those things, verbal apologies to a my sweet grandmother in your hands. Please let my grandmother know that living with her this past year and getting to love her was my greatest gift. I didn't realize it then.... but I've realized it everyday since December 2nd 2017 that after salvation, my greatest earthly gift was getting to be loved and taught by Lorene M Morris.

And though this separation seems unbearably great right now.... I know that soon I will be able to clearly see in detail every bit of what you did and what you're still wanting to do!

My Father in heaven you are my comforter. My very present help. Would you please continue to direct my steps. Please lead my path because quite honestly I don't feel as stable with this veil of grief crowding my vision. As I have, please help me to continue to bring every emotion back to you... and when they start to let up, please help me to use what my grandmother taught me to help other women. We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made......I know this full well!

Until next time Lord,
You are God and I trust you! Please forgive me for neglecting you and our time. I bring these broken pieces to you... because as you've knit me once I know you can do it again!
My love, my Best friend, my Jesus! I surrender....

Motive????

Zechariah 7: 3-10

"....speaking to the priests who belong to the house of the Lord of hosts, and to the prophets, saying, "Shall I weep in the fifth month and abstain, as I have done these many years?" Then the word of the Lord of hosts came to me, saying, "Say to all the people of the land and to the priests, 'When you fasted and mourned in the fifth and seventh months these seventy years, was it actually for Me that you fasted? When you eat and drink, do you not eat for yourselves and do you not drink for yourselves? Are not these the words which the Lord proclaimed by the former prophets, when Jerusalem was inhabited and prosperous along with its cities around it, and the Negev and the foothills were inhabited?'"  Then the word of the Lord came to Zechariah saying, "Thus has the Lord of hosts said, 'Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother; and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another."

Wow!!! Paraphrased... what is your true purpose in fasting? What type of tradition are you trying to hold up? What's being accomplished? And lastly, do you really know why you do what you do!

A bit of background, because I'm loving getting the opportunity to study Zechariah and His prophetic ministry amongst God's people....
During the 5th and 7th month of every year, the Jewish people conducted a time of fasting to remember many of the historical events that had happened in their past... Such as the brining of their temple. Or the assassination of one of their great leaders named Gedaliah. Present day would be the Holocaust. Whatever events there way, that would entice a mournful atmosphere would represent why they chose to have annual times of fasting.

So they approach the prophet and the priests to inquire of the Lord "should we mourn and fast as we have done annually for years?"

In that moment of reading this I begin to wonder what triggered the sudden break in their tradition? And I can only assume that the Lord God had been convicting their hearts to turn away from empty rituals. Acts that no longer are directed toward God but rather are for show. God challenges them by asking "Are you doing this for me?"

And the answer was no...they were not! Sometimes we can do things the "Christian way" without giving much thought to why we do it. Giving money to the homeless, inviting others over for Bible study or just a meal, lifting our hands in church, etc.... There are two motives that can battle against each other with our actions! The first motive is that truly I want people to see God! I want Him to be honored and adorned. I want the world to know what kind of love He possesses... A love that saves! The second is us, me, motivated. I want the homeless man to see me, I want those that I invite over to adore my home, I want people to see me lifting my hands in worship to see that 'I' am actively in worshiping God.

The temptation is not far from any of us... How scary is that! But the reality is, we as Christians get one opportunity, one life, to show fourth the glory of God! And thankfully He tells us how to in the proceeding verses!
- administer true justice
-show mercy and compassion one to another
-do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the alien or the poor
- and in your hearts do not think evil of one another

Simple and straight forward? Not really... Because even in doing these 'actions' we can still become tempted to unintentionally make these our medals. Even as the rich young ruler in the NT stated.. 'but Lord I already do all these things' Mark 10: 17-27... But it gets very real when God tells us, as He did the Rick young ruler 'Don't be content with just following this list... Go the extra mile. Sell all of your belongings!'

It's only then that it becomes less about us and more about Jesus and the other. So my challenge today is this... Be intentional with how I talk and walk as a Christian. No more 'christian-ese' lingo or absent minded Christian deeds. No more prayer or scripture reading out of obligation. I want to pursue God and do good because it's who He is in me! Living, moving and being! Thank you Lord for allowing your prophecy back then to impact our hearts even now! I love you with a renewed focus today!

Sweet. Blessings. From. Above.

With a heart transitioning into a season of gratitude, my entire being is captivated with God's faithfulness. Nothing about this past 11 months has seemed 'sane' rather it's felt like an emotional roller coaster..... Up the hill of trust, down the hill of doubt. Up the hill of joy, down the hill of sadness. Up the hill of sensitivity to God's presence, down the hill to the depths of loneliness.. Yet as I write presently, I feel like I am on top of the hill of gratitude.

This past weekend my sweet sister surprised me with a trip down to Mount Vernon, my second home. A place that has and will forever be an ingrained resting place... dwelling place... The land where I began to understand the Lords prevenient Grace and His Love toward me and others. It's where some of my sweet family live and on this trip I was able to experience God's love all over again! 

Some of the best moments involved:
-Car ride with my incredible sister
-Being in the presence of my sweet boss who opened her home to me and shared with me a few of her passions
-Getting to stay at an incredible inn
-Had some incredible time of fellowship with my sister as we shared all about God's goodness and faithfulness. 
-Got to visit my Trinity Worship Center, where God blessed me to worship and fellowship during my season as a student. Loved getting to just hug on all the ladies and to know their genuine touch
-Was able to go out with my mentor and her husband! The conversation was such a blessing, but the greatest blessing of all was being in their presence as they shared all that God is doing at church and in their own lives!
- Then we picked up little sis and went hiking at a waterfall that has always been the image of God's perfect creation
-Lastly was able to catch up with Alexis who in every sense of the word, is a refined fighter for the things of God! Getting to see her and listen, most likely for the last time, was a blessing to say the least
-Then we got back on the road, stopped at Denny's for some dinner and Frozen Yogurt... then we were home!

While I loved every single moment.. truly I was smiling from ear to ear, my favorite moments were the drips of God's overflowing love that He released into my heart. Over these past 11 months, being in the constant grain of serving gram, working at Marcs and the nursing review, I have seen God's unparalleled faithfulness through my finances, my physical health, my grams health, and even my mental stability... and i've praised Him for it! But this opportunity that I was given to get away, and to lay beside the still waters with God, opened up my eyes to seeing just how much, if not more, that He has also cared for my heart! 'My heart.... God isn't concerned so much about how I feel?' was a statement of the past! Because in this mini retreat God has shown me His intimate arm of love, wrapped around my heart, massaging, renewing, repairing and caressing all of the damaged areas. God has cared for me in every single way... yet above all else He has renewed my hope in Him and for His will. 

I could go on and on and on.. but I want to end with this: God is close to the brokenhearted!Psalm 34:18

He has been with me every moment... collecting my tears and storing them for such a time as this! Where I get to reap the harvest of seeing His goodness! I see you Lord :) And I love you! 

Coffee Trips..

So it seems I have begun this new journey of tasting all the great coffees of the world... specifically small coffee shops around the world!
Interesting journey to be on but so worth it while the Lord has me on this journey of new experiences!

Currently I'm a part time employee at Marc's in Aurora. And while this particular placement seems so ironic and forgive me Lord 'below' what I was trained to do.... I see that you are teaching me the art of serving! Especially in the small beginnings!

So here I am. Gram is doing ok, a bit of pain here and there but she is having more ups (Thank you Lord)


Quite an interesting, funny journey...
And now I just remember that I didn't get soy milk :) O the journey!

Well Lord... What do you think!

Lord....
It appears that Wooster is giving me 3 different options to pay off the loan, which I've pasted below....
1.       Pay off the money over 24 months by sending checks in monthly.
2.       You can consider taking a position at WCH now (a position other than RN) and have the money taken out of your pay check. We would like to help you find employment here until you obtain your RN license. (go to the hospital website and look under the employment tab. We can also check the internal postings to see where we could fit you in too)
3.       Pay money monthly til you obtain your license then take an RN job here at WCH and work off the remaining amount you owe as a scholarship. (once you start working as RN you will stop sending money and what you still owe is your scholarship)
4.       Combine option 2 and 3….
 
Father, option 2 sounds incredible.... but I'm nervous to move too fast. What do you think? What is your will? What door have you opened? I sense that fear has stepped in because I want to be cautious and not walk outside of your will--- I want to heart your voice. But I also feel as if this could be from you because they already told me 'no' once before about being an aid. Then there is pride that steps in... but I am humbled. Savior, Luke 12:31- Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added.

I'm doing the best that I can... I'm seeking you! If it's your desire, I do pray that the pay would be right for traveling back and forth, then I also ask for a supernatural peace! I love you so much Lord and I trust you! 

 

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