Can I trust you?

Today has been.... busy, tiring, fun, energetic, happy, sad, discerning, empty, curious, separate, quiet, revealing, hurtful, sacrificial, thankful... it's been a day.

       I'm sitting in a four-cornered empty box I call my house. To my right, a frame that reads "Live, love and Laugh"- I can't say those are 3 descriptive words to describe me right now. Before me is a picture that reads 'Believe'- but the question for this earth is In what? To my left are 2 hanging mirrors- but God has already revealed to me what's within. And behind me is a woman lying on a bible- Which happens to be my next turn :)

    This house feels empty, just me and the Lord always :) But I can't complain. Because I want to share with Him what's on my mind. It's sort of a bunny trail... where shall I start? Well... today I had the blessed opportunity of going to see my sister :) My Beloved sister--- the Diva! But this time my mother got to travel with me... My Beloved mother--- Diva Sr.! Together they were like ebony and ivory, bonnie and clyde, mother and daughter diva! My place was on the outside! I didn't have a problem with that :) What does a more reserved soul have in common with Extrovert and Super-Extrovert :) But I loved the way that became one from the beginning! They talked about shopping and movies and hair and and and and and.... I still can remember the few words I spoke :) But... I am ok with that because I have learned that spiritual mindedness doesn't have much in common with earthly desires! Everything seemed filtered--- the movie selection. The jokes... the full 6.5 hours :) But I have learned to respect others when they choose to not say, watch, listen to certain things around me! In my opinion it's their way of respecting the God in me! My goodness.... I applaud them!
  The disheartening moment that grabbed my heart was while my sister and I were in the car she turned to me and said that she would hurt someone for me. It caught me so off guard. I asked her to not say that, but she felt the need to reassure me. It all started when we were kids in grade school. Lord knows I hate, with a passion, to fight. And at that age I was more timid that anything. I've always wanted to talk things through. But the land where we come from, people don't talk with their words.. they yell with their fists. Every fight, every hustle, my sister fought on my behalf. Even from the young age of 4 she stood up for me. So that comment translated to me echoed in this fashion--- Tish, if you ever need me to defend you, I will do it in a second.
    Why does that sadden me? Not only for the simple fact that she's not letting the Lord guide her, nor does she feel the need to let the Lord fight all of our battles but also that she too represents the 3rd generation of women who have defensive issues. From my grandmother to my mother/ant unto my sister and I, we have all been touched by the hands of pain and hurt and... Lord knows what else. We've been touched in such ways that we have this permanent wall up that has a big red sign on it that reads "Beware, trust doesn't live here.... and if you try to find her a battle will begin"...
     Today I noticed that my sister has trust issues also. That she's mastered the trade of attacking before you get attacked. That ALL die before she dies. And what hurts is that I see the pain she is going through but I can do nothing, because I'm not too far outside of her camp :)
   Lord....I trust you with ALL of my heart :) And you made sure to transform that within me this summer... but I haven't come to the point yet of trusting anyone else with all of my heart. Why? Why is the question I keep asking myself? Why would I put my heart into anyone's hands other than yours? I didn't have the choice growing up because it was snatched and ripped and stumped on and left to die but you received it, you revived it! But now... I have the choice who and who not to give it to. And I, as well as many other people, have only learned the skill of knowing who NOT to give it to.... The question that I am left with Lord is this? Can you please teach me how to trust others the way that you taught me how to trust you? Help me to trust you so much that even if or when the world hurts me, I will instinctively know how to run back to you. I know it was never your desire that anyone should hurt your children, but I ask for me, my sister, my mother/ant and all of the other people in this world who don't trust easy, that you would give us the Grace of re-learning how to love without reservation. My love is limited--- it only goes until I've been hurt or crossed. But that's not your kind of love. Your kind of love.... loves more when you are hurt. Longs to be with us--- me--- more when I hurt you. Your kind of love is unmerited, I don't deserve it, and steadfast, meaning its unwavering :)

I could keep going on and on and on about your love... but it's 11:29 pm and I should probably rest up now for church :) 

I have many prayers to go up before you but my greatest one is my sister. Lord, I see the pattern that she is following is very similar to my mothers. Lord, if there is any time to intervene, in my mind that would be now :) But I know you have chosen just the right moment to grasp her heart.... and not just for a moment, but for a lifetime! Lord :) I know what you have done in me you are able to do for her 1000 times more... I look forward to that day! Until then I promise to pray and keep my hands away! I love you and I trust you!

Seasons of my Summer:
Summer Part 1: Learning to trust God- Gift: More intimacy with my Savior
Summer Part 2: Learning to trust people- Gift: Deeper relationships with others + Openness to receive my future soul-mate

Your dearly Beloved,
Hungry for your lessons!

Wow... What a Gospel!

~This IS the greatest truth I have ever heard! Thank you Lord~

Father, please give us Boldness to proclaim the truth that you have shown us in our very own salvation. Please help me to desire your love for others!


       I've been sitting here for the past few minute.... in a posture of reminiscence. How to put down the words that are knocking against the circular axis of my skull I have no clue.... I know I just miss the season I was in. In particular, I miss my year spent at the Honor Academy. What I year :) I still remember it like it was yesterday.... the smell of the TX air. The sweet fragrance of morning and night worship. The hours of fasting as a community for the expectation of hearing the voice of the Lord. The lessons on Faith. Integrity. Humility. The wonderful days of learning how to be a woman... but not just any woman, but one that longed for her husband. The king of the world. The ability to have platonic friendships with a man and not think of them as more--- but even when I did, it was the spirit of God within them that spurned on the attraction. The ability to encourage, confront, enjoy, delight in, discern, meditate, prayer-walk, worship in the woods, sleep in the sound quiet of God's nature. The ability to just be in LOVE with God.

I miss it more than anything this very moment :) But it was just for a season... and Lord I thank you so much for that season.

       Now, what seems like 5 seasons later, I am quietly yet boastfully appreciating your many lessons you are teaching me. This is a season of listening to your voice and being obedient. At the Honor Academy you allowed us to all go through a time of preparation. A time of seclusion, separation from the world that we could be transformed.... to continue to be transformed. Lord, these seasons seem a bit more intimidating now that I am in them, but I know I will be able to look back one day and marvel at the wonderful seasons you have caused me to journey through.

My prayer Lord is that in these seasons, I would grow to relentlessly pursue you. To chase after you more than life itself. Help me to appreciate every moment.... especially the ones I don't understand. My desire still remains the same, but I believe is more passionate now than then... I want to know you. I want to love you and I want to do your will. It's the gospel that I want to share. It's your love that I want to radiate. It's your peace that I want to overtake me. It's your salvation that I want all people to receive. If you can use me Lord.... please use me. I'm no longer that 18 year old girl learning how to worship this man who died for me... I'm a 23 year old woman longing to worship you through my life. Longing to be with you. Longing to see you bring ALL things into the light. I am a woman who is waiting for her groom :) But I will continue to wait.... as any good bride should know, when guests are coming home, we must prepare the house! That's what we have been called to do! Prepare your people.... And you shall show mercy and save!

I love you with every inch, fiber, neuron in my being,
With Love,
Your relentless servant

"No one...

... who hopes in the Lord will be put to shame"- Psalm 25:3a

Lord :) You did it through me! Today you spoke to my pastor and first lady regarding being Mission-Minded. It went so well... thank you but I feel sad. Nervous. Alone.

I know I did the right thing because of the peace that you have given me, but I am sad because I miss Apostolic Faith Tabernacle, specifically being under the leadership of Elder and First Lady Christian. I am nervous, because I don't know what to do next. I feel alone because at this very second I belong to no church :) Lord, you know every detail of every feeling. Just how my anxiety is trying to show it's little head :)

But you also know that the hands of my heart are reaching so high up for you right now. There is no one else that I can turn to for ALL of my needs but you :) What a new level of trust! So often people play and call me 'Evangelist'--- I'm sensing it more and more! Please make me an evangelist of the Gospel!

For these next few weeks before I head to school, You are calling me to study your Word for myself, develop a heart of Prayer, redefine my priorities! I can't do this without you :) Time to be about my Fathers business!

May I continue to find my righteousness in you! Please humble me as you move me unto a higher level with you! May you continue soften my heart. ears and eyes to feel, hear and see what you are saying and doing. God... Please continue to break me and cause me to trust fully in you! I love you with all my heart, mind and soul! I rejoice in you!

Sincerely yours,
My covering is the Lord!

The Sound of Worship....

Lord :)

Hmmm.... where do I begin? I've been feeling...been led by... drowning in the big 'E' word again :) Emotions! In the attempt to rid of the very burden that feels unbelievably heavy, I have been trying to keep busy. So that I don't have to think about it... That I don't have to be tempted to make changes. That I don't have to... feel.

But even as I sit here now, thoughts are rushing from ear to ear waiting to formulate a complete thought. Help me Lord. Please restore to me the Joy of YOUR Salvation and that alone!

     I'm in a pentacostal church, yet I disagree with certain beliefs, nor have you convicted me of the Apostolic Doctrine, but I'm still here... God! I'm trying to wait... to hear what to do! But the only thing that keeps running through my mind is how much I love the people.. and the worship. Lord, I don't want to leave, but I do... but where, when, how, why, what?

   But even now I hear you say to be steadfast in my pursuit of you and service to the church. me to do this and I will obey. Teach me and I will learn. Even now I hear your Word from 2 Peter proclaim: "Therefore beloved, looking forward to these things, be diligent to be found by Him in  PEACE, without spot and blameless; and consider that the long-suffering of our Lord IS salvation......but grow in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.(2 Peter 3:14-18)

:) Wow! You WORD has brought PEACE to my heart and now I understand! Your Word stated in 2 Peter 3:16 that some things are hard to understand but not to let us forsake being Steadfast but to GROW in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!!!

I commit this matter to you! It is my desire Father to continuously grow in your Grace and the Knowledge of you... may nothing ever detour me from that privilege!

My desire Lord is that one day when you call me to another church, whenever, wherever, that I would be able to feel 'at home' there! Selfishly I ask Lord that there would be a great deal of Cultured saints! That the worship would be a wonderful mix but of course with the good ol' Gospel that I love :) I pray that this church would have a heart for missions, youth and outreach and that it would be emphasized and not just a thought lost in the scriptures! Lord, but most importantly, I pray Lord that it would be a church that proclaims Salvation as a transformation of Character, of Life, of the Heart and those being recognized as the evidence God desires! I pray that your church that you call me to would be practicers of the Spiritual Gifts you give us--- for the edification of the church, as well as our own personal worship! I pray Lord that this would be a church that emphasizes the unity of denominations and seeks to break down the barriers! Lord my heart hurts for all of the walls placed up--- Help me to denounce the spirit of separation In Jesus Name! Lord... In your perfect timing, but for now I will remain Steadfast in knowing you! I love you so much :) I am IN Love with you! My First Love, my everything...

Sincerely yours,
Ambassador for Change!

I commit to 2 things (Help me Holy Ghost):

  • No longer researching different churches--- Lord, I believe when you reveal the church to me, it will be when I'm least expecting it!
  • To pray for the Unity of Mind of All of the Christian denominations.

Study Study Study...

2 Timothy 2: 15--- Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that need not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of truth....

   It's been a great morning :) Had the opportunity to be with you, to lay prostrate before you, and to adore you! And from that you told me to "Get up and do the work that you have called me to..." And that's just what I did!
   So I opened my computer and found myself an hour and sixteen minutes later with my heart introspectively smiling :) The mock trial video I watched was called "Is Speaking in Tongues Needed for Salvation?"..( One page of notes in and highly pleased with the way these two men from extremely different doctrines carried themselves, I proceeded to rejoice in the step of truth I heard! In these moments, I'm thankful for the kind of personality that I possess... the kind that is contemplative and motivated by self. I knew it would come in handy someday! Because in this very moment, the scriptures and assumptions and thoughts and theories are reverberating within the very core of my neurons! There's so much!

I want to know more! Help me to understand your Word more along with the context! I have noticed within myself that my opinion and desire to be right often clouds the Spirit of discernment you have given me! Before I began I prayed for a clear slate and an open mind! Please help me keep it this way :)

Lord, please forgive me for my impatience :) You know me better than I know myself, but one thing I know for sure is that I don't like redundance! I don't care for the same conversations, same quiet times, same anything.... Help me change this weakness of mine! In one sense it causes me to seek you more and to go higher in you but in another sense in causes me to push people away and/or to keep to myself. Only you know Lord :)

And Only you Love me completely! Thank you for your work of sanctification.... Please do a little extra on my Character :)

Your Child,
Student of Truth

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