Give Me Jesus

Today I made a foolish decision. Today I spent close to an hour looking through countless numbers of some of my sisters in Christ pictures on instagram and facebook. I wanted to check and see how they were. To recall some of the what has become distant memories. And what began with joy and celebration with the latest and greatest news turned into sadness, tears and heartache.
     These women, whom I once sat in the same worship services with, whom I fasted with weekly, some of who I traveled the world with... we are now worlds apart. Some married. Some traveling but all still following the Lord! We all started at the same place... learning how to love God.
     But honestly, I feel like my life has... has been at a standstill. I haven't been able to do most of the things that they've done. Yet even as I write this the song 'Give Me Jesus' just came on. And that was my prayer some 5 years ago. Give me Jesus... that's all that I want. He is All that i need. So while my heart still feels heavy, Lord I say to you there is no other place I would rather be than right here in my loving presence! You are my success story :)

Next Post: Infatuation...

Infatuation: The state of being carried away by unreasoned passion or love.

Understanding the Difference Between Love and Infatuation

We are Christian Women

      I am fully woman and fully Christian. Woman in the truth that I was created to love one man. Christian in that my first love is Christ. Created and continually designed to honor, worship and serve Him as my creator, my king, my everything. The difference of infatuation vs. Love is a common topic that comes up in both the secular and saved world but Christian women should have a love that looks very different than women of the world. We as saved women have been given a very authentic, loyal, sacrificial gift of spreading love to all. Our hearts have been created to mimic that of Christs. His Holy Spirit has placed his home within that very tender vessel known as our hearts. We are divinely designed with the intention of loving, nurturing and giving all of ourselves. 

    Christ created us with the emotions of attraction. He created us to be spiritually, physically, intellectually, mentally, sexually and emotionally attracted to the opposite gender--- that's not of question. The question lies in how do we discern between Love and Infatuation?

    This question came to my heart as I have been becoming closer to a man who God has allowed me to become closer with. Ladies... He's a man after God's own heart. He loves sharing his love for his Savior Jesus. He's proactive! The leader of the music ministry in his church. Daily striving to get closer to God as he has shared with me many time. We are friends... But I allowed myself to think we were more. I made the mistake of placing expectations over his pursuit of me. And as I spoke to God about this, I began to wonder just why I am so attracted to this man? We are in two different worlds. But why?

    I believe that there is a such thing called 'spiritual yearning'. I would find myself wanting to hear from him daily regarding what God was doing in his life. I wanted to hear the voice of this man share with me how God was moving his heart. Lord knows my desires were pure... but I began to long to know him more and more.... and when I didn't receive the daily texts or calls, I felt as though my attempts at wanting to get closer were stopped by a big red sign that said "I'm busy"....

A Yearning for God- Our Creator

   Yearning for something so pure. So good. Can unfortunately turn out to be more of a sin than not. I thank the Lord that He caught me before I moved into idolization.... but I still had to ask the question "Lord, but why was my yearning so strong?" Infatuation vs. Love.... I was very much so infatuated with being with this man. Hearing his voice (this was the biggest). With laughing and enjoying our time. But more than that, I was in love with the God in him... and my mistake was this: Confusing the person my heart was honestly yearning for. I, in my very limited life, thought that it was the person that was the attraction of my heart, but in all reality, I'd misunderstood the person that my spirit was yearning and reaching for! It was Christ! It is Christ :) Ladies, our longings should be so much more for the hidden person, which should be Christ, which indwells the person you're being pursued by. The person you marry. Don't get me wrong... you should be in love with the person in whom you marry, but Christ should be so evident that your ultimate drawer is the person within them. Either it will be satan or Christ Jesus. You will know! Pray for discernment! Don't let this world pressure you to rush into anything!

Our Response

   Infatuation:

• Feelings of intense desire that change with each situation/circumstance
• You are in it for what you can get
• You treat the other person as an object or thing
• You enjoy the title or the feeling the most
• You're unable to reason clearly
• Reckless
• Controlled by hormones
• Unable to give the other person space
• Insecure/Jealous
• Often considering the now. Not gradual
• An emotion
• Fueled by passion/lust

   Love (From God with the foundation of 1 Corinthians 13:14-18)

• Unconditional
• Sacrificial
• Should change you
• Should draw you closer to God
• A gradual process- As you get to know the other person
• Eros love should always have the foundation of Agape love
• Seeks the best for the other (Whether that's you as their mate or not)
• Edifies the other person
• Is attentive and present
• Never speaks bad about the other person- No matter what
• Carries the person in prayer to their Heavenly Father
• Waits and is Patient
• Holds expectations very loosely
• Always tells the truth
• Hides nothing
• Prevents satan the opportunity to have any say-so
• Relies on God for the perfection of their mate
• Love accepts friendship
• Never demands
• ********Love is not blind **********
• Knows that love is birthed from God and Him alone!

I've never been in love before, so some of these points I have borrowed from other bloggers (http://pangjson.blogspot.com/2008/09/love-vs-infatuation.html). But while I have never been in love with a man here on earth, God has shown me His love so perfectly. He has blessed me with such a beautiful insight on how we as women are to love our future husbands. The bible says that we are to submit to our husbands, as we do unto the Lord! I love my Lord and in that very manner I have the desire to love and serve my husband with the capacity that God grants me. No man is perfect, nor woman, but we have a perfect God who, if we keep our focus on Him, He will lead us and reveal to us how to love in all situations.

Love looks very differently than infatuation... and at this point of my life, whatever my lot shall be..... I am in Love with my Savior Jesus Christ! And all others I love as my brother and sister :) God is good! All the time :)

Lord! Please help us, as women, to keep our hearts centered in the hollow of your hands... There we are safe :)

MY Grace is Sufficient!

"MY grace is sufficient" were the words that God uttered to Paul in his time of distress. In his time of Pain. In his time of needing relief. Paul and his thorn in his side... How did he get there? What had occurred in his life? Did he experience a loss? A medical ailment? A demonic attack?

     As I listened to Bishop TD Jakes speak on Pauls pain, I stopped to think... Grief. Grief is like a pain that even in the pleadings of our hearts, the begging we bring before the Lord, His response so lovingly and gently is this: "Otisha, my grace is sufficient for you". This is not a set-back, nor a temporary stop. This is the time when He is asking me to rely solely on His strength.

    For a while I believed the myth that when we are hurting we can't be used by God.... not true at all. In these past few days God has opened up the door for others who are experiencing loss to approach me for prayer. I never asked for this, but because I have been given the ability to experience trust in Christ in a different way, God has been able to use His vessel for the 'bigger picture'. I simply love Him for using me.... even when I feel broken. He mends :) 

"Roses can grow amongst thorns"

True Beauty....

It all began last night... as the insecurities of True Beauty began to surface and boil over above my head. Who am I as a woman? I'm simple. Reserved. Passionate. Intentional. A lover of  love. Cautious yet willing. But one thing i've never felt was a type of beauty unannounced to my soul... A comfortable beauty.

I loved my sweat pants. My beanie hats.... but I loved them because they were comfortable! But the thought that I could be both comfortable and cute... hmmmm. As Willie and I spoke last night and he listed the many qualities he desires within a wife... a silently checked off the countless bulletin points until I got to this one: "I want my wife to know how to dress in and out of the house". This one hit me harder than I thought it would. And it touched a place that i've never opened up before. For the proceeding hours I struggled as I didn't think I was worthy enough to ever be considered someone he found attracted. But then I began to ask myself if I liked myself. My outer beauty. The way I dress. And I honestly had to answer no. I didn't like how I dressed like a boy. Baggy sweats and sweat shirts... I am a woman of God! Meant to not portray the worlds beauty but eve's beauty. Proverbs 31 beauty. My Saviors beauty.

After my wonderful, sweet and patient Best friend shared with me what God had placed on her heart, about not changing for anyone... I made the decision to change for me. I want to be beautiful outwardly.... for Otisha :) So this morning I awoke, and worked out a bit.. which always starts my day off well. Then showered and fixed my hair to my perfection... I dressed :) And when I say I dressed.... I mean I really dressed! Lathered with Paris Night lotion, fastened everything and stared myself in the mirror :) I saw me and all the beauty God so wonderfully detailed within each and every surface inch of Otisha. Lastly.... I pulled my late grandmothers necklace out... the gold one with the heart and I placed it around my neck. And it was complete :)

To my reader please hear this truth. It wasn't the clothing, the smell good lotion, the hair, nor the smell good lotion.... it was a new set of eyes :) God has granted me with his eyes! And as I walked out into the snow covered world, now seen as my runway.... I had a new confidence. Of course this confidence was enhanced with compliments :) But this word from the Lord made me stop and think....
As I stood in the bagel line, just doing my regular day to day toasting, a girl named Emily turned to me and said "You look beautiful"... and in my humble way I lifted my head and said "Thank you.... so do you" But she stopped me and said "No! You are beautiful. I believe that's the first thing I ever said to you :) You have such a natural beauty".... My jaw practically dropped as I heard the whispering of Christ in my ear telling me to listen my dear child! You are simply born with a natural beauty..... But I marvel so much in knowing that who they see is not brown skinned brow eyed Otisha..... They see Jesus :) His humility. His natural beauty :) His smile. His love!
  So I sit here and right this to simply release these words to every woman who will listen. It was never about the clothing. The make-up. The jewelry. It's always about the one the dwells within the depth of you. It's about the one who brings beauty from the inward parts of every man and woman. Accept this truth today! Not from me :) Never from me! But from the one who died to give you the beauty we all so desperately desire... His beauty :)
You are beautiful!

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

- Proverbs 31:30-

Lord... Guidance Please

Sometimes I honestly laugh at the way things seem to occur in my life. Your timing. Father... I love you more than life itself. As I have had many moments to recount my life its hard for me not to smile as I recall the truth of your greatness. Your love unto me has been more than I could ever expect from any human being.... and yet one has stepped into my life that claims to love me for who I am in you.

How do I take that Lord? In my heart, I know you have prepared me. You have tested me. You have shown me how to love you before and after everything. My life in you is not what I am questioning the most... but my life with this man who loves you with all of his being is what I am asking of you. Is now the time? Father, you know my desire.... and he, Willie, is my desire... but more importantly.... you are my first and my last. If you say no :) I will step back.

As you know, tomorrow, 12/26/2013, i will be beginning my fasting to seek your face for these questions below:
1. Have you called Willie to be my husband?
2. Is this timing when you have called us to be together?
3. Am I whole in you?

Father :) I believe obedience in you is the most important thing. I will not compromise. I believe you will answer :) You are my father and I know you will lead and guide me. Please Lord don't leave me without your voice. I will not move until you say so!

I Love you! Your daughter, Otisha

The Lord is Grooming Me....

Today I sat and had an hour long conversation with a dear sister regarding where I stand in my understanding... my conviction... of truth!

See when it comes to the method of salvation, I still stand without any formula, but through Christ Jesus. Some say you must speak in tongues as evidence of having received the Holy Ghost, some say it's a confession of the heart, through the mouth... the bible says both. I shared with her that 3 years later, I still haven't been convicted by the Lord to preach salvation evidenced by tongues... And I can't until the Lord has given me the hearts pulling to proclaim it!

What I do believe:
All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God
For eternal life only comes through Jesus Christ, being God
Those who choose not to yield to the Lord and receive His grace will receive the gift of eternal death
Christ died once for All
We can have reconciliation with Him, but first we must believe that He is God and a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.
There is no life apart from Christ Jesus
It is His spirit that enables us to be transformed
There is no good thing with me!
Sanctification yields Holiness
.... And there are so many truths that I stand by... We need Jesus Christ!

After departing from the sister, I spoke with my mom for a little bit and wow did the Lord use her! My mother, who is trying to work on her relationship with the Lord, revealed to me that God is grooming me right in this season! He is helping me to discern what I believe! What He has revealed to me Himself :) He is grooming me for what He has called me to! A life of ministry! I am called to be a missionary, so He is preparing me to know how to respond once someone asks me How they must be saved!

Lord, I accept what you are doing! If it be your will, that everyone should speak in tongues, as a sign of their salvation, then let it be so! But if it is not, then Lord I ask that you would make it very clear to me that what I have been proclaiming is truth! That the plan of salvation is this: For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son. And whosoever should believe in Him shall have everlasting life. This promise is to you and your childrens children. For anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved! Water Baptism is a must! We must be baptized for the initial sign that God is at work. This is a public action that serves to symbolize dying of the old man and rising, as Christ did, to present the new man. After baptism, we begin to live a life devoted to Christ! We learn and practice repentance :) We, by the grace of God, receive different fruits of the spirit, which is a representation of growth in Christ. The bible, Our Word, is our direct voice from God himself. That is our manuscript. It tells us how we should live! Our aim is not solely to go to heaven, but to be living testimonies of the redemption of Christ! He is our life!

Lastly Lord,
Thank you for being patient with me! My prayer Lord is that you would continue to help me be disciplined in learning your Word for myself! I don't think many people agree with my disagreement regarding tongues as the completion of salvation... but between you and I, I would rather be disagreed with and wait on you than be agreed with and agree on something loosely! Salvation to me is the most important decision in anyone's life and my prayer is that it will also be the greatest! Not one of confusion! Please be clarity :) I love you so much! Thank you for this time of grooming... For i realize that I am just a babe in you!

God promised...

That out of us would flow rivers of Living Water :) I tell you... At this moment I feel as though my heart is being flooded with the love of Christ :)

What a day it has been! But the 2 highlights have been this: 

• One day someone introduced me to a man named Jesus and my life has never been the same. My walk hasn't been the same. My talk. My dead heart has been awakened and massaged and reprimanded and forgive and captivated. I never thought I could love like this, but the heart is good at mimicking. See, a shallow love is derived from evil. It's not of The Lord because it loves with Conditions. The mimicking that I have come to know and love is that which my heart has been mentored. By the love of God :) it has and is and will forever generate the heartbeat of Christ. My prayer be this, that I would be found pleasing to God! And chosen by Him as Esther was chosen by king Xerxes to be his queen :) 

• Today I received an email from my dear sister regarding all The Lord spoke to her today as she sat in the hearing of the movement of the Holy Ghost :) She stated that she asked God her creator to fill her, to allow her to speak as everyone else did :) He did not fill her.... But the first thing she received was lord from the prowling lion who seeks to steal, kill and destroy. How amazing is that... The first one on the seen to try to bring discouragement :) Why? Because its real! The work of the Holy Ghost is real :) Different in each of us but so real nonetheless. I'm sure Mary Magdalene sensed the same kind of condemnation after The Lord received her. You can't tell me Paul never heard satans remarks. But the truth is: So often their loud. Penetrating. They compliment our own insecurities. I rejoice because this sister didn't accept it but chose to make an offering to The Lord through testimony :)

   God is everything but sin and darkness.  And I don't know what my day will be like tomorrow, for I wish I could feel so in love like this every moment:) But I will take this time of encouragement to celebrate Christ and Him very much alive! Thriving. And showing himself through His children :) For there's a mist of joy spreading in these last days :) 

Lord, please let your love be our foundation! Prepare us for the days to come :)

Sincerely,

Lover of He that is so much more worthy than I :)