Today has been.... busy, tiring, fun, energetic, happy, sad, discerning, empty, curious, separate, quiet, revealing, hurtful, sacrificial, thankful... it's been a day.
I'm sitting in a four-cornered empty box I call my house. To my right, a frame that reads "Live, love and Laugh"- I can't say those are 3 descriptive words to describe me right now. Before me is a picture that reads 'Believe'- but the question for this earth is In what? To my left are 2 hanging mirrors- but God has already revealed to me what's within. And behind me is a woman lying on a bible- Which happens to be my next turn :)
This house feels empty, just me and the Lord always :) But I can't complain. Because I want to share with Him what's on my mind. It's sort of a bunny trail... where shall I start? Well... today I had the blessed opportunity of going to see my sister :) My Beloved sister--- the Diva! But this time my mother got to travel with me... My Beloved mother--- Diva Sr.! Together they were like ebony and ivory, bonnie and clyde, mother and daughter diva! My place was on the outside! I didn't have a problem with that :) What does a more reserved soul have in common with Extrovert and Super-Extrovert :) But I loved the way that became one from the beginning! They talked about shopping and movies and hair and and and and and.... I still can remember the few words I spoke :) But... I am ok with that because I have learned that spiritual mindedness doesn't have much in common with earthly desires! Everything seemed filtered--- the movie selection. The jokes... the full 6.5 hours :) But I have learned to respect others when they choose to not say, watch, listen to certain things around me! In my opinion it's their way of respecting the God in me! My goodness.... I applaud them!
The disheartening moment that grabbed my heart was while my sister and I were in the car she turned to me and said that she would hurt someone for me. It caught me so off guard. I asked her to not say that, but she felt the need to reassure me. It all started when we were kids in grade school. Lord knows I hate, with a passion, to fight. And at that age I was more timid that anything. I've always wanted to talk things through. But the land where we come from, people don't talk with their words.. they yell with their fists. Every fight, every hustle, my sister fought on my behalf. Even from the young age of 4 she stood up for me. So that comment translated to me echoed in this fashion--- Tish, if you ever need me to defend you, I will do it in a second.
Why does that sadden me? Not only for the simple fact that she's not letting the Lord guide her, nor does she feel the need to let the Lord fight all of our battles but also that she too represents the 3rd generation of women who have defensive issues. From my grandmother to my mother/ant unto my sister and I, we have all been touched by the hands of pain and hurt and... Lord knows what else. We've been touched in such ways that we have this permanent wall up that has a big red sign on it that reads "Beware, trust doesn't live here.... and if you try to find her a battle will begin"...
Today I noticed that my sister has trust issues also. That she's mastered the trade of attacking before you get attacked. That ALL die before she dies. And what hurts is that I see the pain she is going through but I can do nothing, because I'm not too far outside of her camp :)
Lord....I trust you with ALL of my heart :) And you made sure to transform that within me this summer... but I haven't come to the point yet of trusting anyone else with all of my heart. Why? Why is the question I keep asking myself? Why would I put my heart into anyone's hands other than yours? I didn't have the choice growing up because it was snatched and ripped and stumped on and left to die but you received it, you revived it! But now... I have the choice who and who not to give it to. And I, as well as many other people, have only learned the skill of knowing who NOT to give it to.... The question that I am left with Lord is this? Can you please teach me how to trust others the way that you taught me how to trust you? Help me to trust you so much that even if or when the world hurts me, I will instinctively know how to run back to you. I know it was never your desire that anyone should hurt your children, but I ask for me, my sister, my mother/ant and all of the other people in this world who don't trust easy, that you would give us the Grace of re-learning how to love without reservation. My love is limited--- it only goes until I've been hurt or crossed. But that's not your kind of love. Your kind of love.... loves more when you are hurt. Longs to be with us--- me--- more when I hurt you. Your kind of love is unmerited, I don't deserve it, and steadfast, meaning its unwavering :)
I could keep going on and on and on about your love... but it's 11:29 pm and I should probably rest up now for church :)
Lord..
I have many prayers to go up before you but my greatest one is my sister. Lord, I see the pattern that she is following is very similar to my mothers. Lord, if there is any time to intervene, in my mind that would be now :) But I know you have chosen just the right moment to grasp her heart.... and not just for a moment, but for a lifetime! Lord :) I know what you have done in me you are able to do for her 1000 times more... I look forward to that day! Until then I promise to pray and keep my hands away! I love you and I trust you!
Seasons of my Summer:
Summer Part 1: Learning to trust God- Gift: More intimacy with my Savior
Summer Part 2: Learning to trust people- Gift: Deeper relationships with others + Openness to receive my future soul-mate
Your dearly Beloved,
Hungry for your lessons!
I thank you for this life! For your Favor and Mercy... It has truly been my saving Grace, but could you Lord please help ease the pain? And as I say that, in the same breath I ask that you would extend the way that I feel that I may be taught. I know my failing was not happenstance... I know that me being held back wasn't just because :) I believe it with my whole heart, mind and soul!
I miss it more than anything this very moment :) But it was just for a season... and Lord I thank you so much for that season.
Lord :) You did it through me! Today you spoke to my pastor and first lady regarding being Mission-Minded. It went so well... thank you but I feel sad. Nervous. Alone.
My desire Lord is that one day when you call me to another church, whenever, wherever, that I would be able to feel 'at home' there! Selfishly I ask Lord that there would be a great deal of Cultured saints! That the worship would be a wonderful mix but of course with the good ol' Gospel that I love :) I pray that this church would have a heart for missions, youth and outreach and that it would be emphasized and not just a thought lost in the scriptures! Lord, but most importantly, I pray Lord that it would be a church that proclaims Salvation as a transformation of Character, of Life, of the Heart and those being recognized as the evidence God desires! I pray that your church that you call me to would be practicers of the Spiritual Gifts you give us--- for the edification of the church, as well as our own personal worship! I pray Lord that this would be a church that emphasizes the unity of denominations and seeks to break down the barriers! Lord my heart hurts for all of the walls placed up--- Help me to denounce the spirit of separation In Jesus Name! Lord... In your perfect timing, but for now I will remain Steadfast in knowing you! I love you so much :) I am IN Love with you! My First Love, my everything...