Today starts the first day of my final week at camp Burton.... And I already feel defeated. Pushed up against a wall. Beaten up on. Jab 1- Staff member getting sick. Jab 2- Swat hitting head, anxiety provoking on her end. Jab 3- previous nurse comes in to assess situation and recommends what I should do. Jab 4- finding out that the med that I was pushing so hard against May must be the med that we need here.
So I'm just feeling inexperienced and inferior for this position. And quite honestly Lord.... I'm tired of satans attacks not just on me but also me team. Father, please fight our battles against satan and please bring healing!
Also please help me to love on Sarah D! Its all about glorifying you! Love you so much 😃
Lord in this moment I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much for a testimony!
Testimony nights here at Camp Burton are always my favorite! For these past 3 years I have been able to sit and watch, with full support, your hand at work within your 4-5 counselors. It's humbling but truly it blesses me to know that my ministry and purpose is to fully support your church and my brothers and sisters.
But tonight I sat in awe as I watched Carmal, Victoria and Heather, for the third second time share their testimony. God.... You have truly grown and transformed them to be beautiful women with your heart! I'm so pleased to have been a witness. And to top it off, you have also brought us two equally awesome women from the Ukraine who love you! God.... Thank you so much for all 5 testimonies that were so eloquently shared tonight!
Which brings me to my moment of praise. Lord I know I'm not who I was last year! You're transforming my heart and shaping it to beat and crave more of you! I know sometimes I become shaken and distracted by the voice of my heart, please forgive me. But two things remain true: you saved me, and I'm not going anywhere! Thank you Jesus :)
Lastly I want to simply write down some things that have been on my mind...
- Lord are you opening the door for me to move to Wooster or is this just something that I've thought of on my own?
- Should I be looking to move or start working July 8?
- When would be a good time to retake my test?
Lord..... I have no idea of what any of these answers are ..... But I trust you :) And I know you will lead me :) You always have and you always will! Thank you for today :) Night!
Here I am to worship YOU! Thank you God for your Love, your truth your mercy and your timing! My heart is blessed to know that you love me so much to keep you. That you move the heavens and earth to love me. And that you are my Rock and Revelation giver. I love you!
So as you already know, I didn't pass my NCLEX test. So where does that put me? In the heartbeat of trust! Trusting you. The very first few moments of seeing that Big Red Closed sign really caused my heart pain. Felt like a slap in the face. But then even your love cause so many people that I love and cherish to circle around me and encourage me with your love! So I thank you and it was for that very reason that I was able to accept what you shared with me yesterday.
As I was driving home from dropping Nay off in Canton after mom's graduation you put me into a mind of hearing your voice- and you said this "Did you take time to praise me for your graduation before you tried to jump into the next big blessing of licensure?"... Boom. And in that moment Lord I knew that i'd missed the mark. As any other nursing graduate who wanted to be license, as soon as graduation was over I was already preparing to take the NCLEX. I studied day after day, tirelessly. To the point where I would get headaches and upset stomachs. I threw myself into mental bondage for the sake of a test that was always in your hands.
Now father I understand a bit clearer. Please forgive me. But now.... being on the other side, I want to thank you with All that I have within me!!!! We graduated from nursing school :) O what a joy to know that you were with me ALL the way! Thank you for those that have supported me this entire way- which reminds me, I have to get cards out!
I love you Lord, and I appreciated every wonderful and pleasant gift! My life is yours and I am enthralled by your grace! Thank you for loving me... I need you more than anything to lead and guide me as you always have and always will. But I want you to know, my father, my very best friend, that I praise you as a new graduate nurse! 7 years completed! No longer will I say 'Moving on to the next thing', rather now I shall say 'Taking a praise break'! Thanks dad :)
A blank page that the master novelist chose to produce a script. A canvas before the eyes of the masters of All beauty. The very regulator of the anatomical space. The collection of cellular structures, put together for one purpose.... and that alone is and has always been to radiate the artist and not the artwork.
14 days past graduation and her I am. Truth---- tired! NCLEX 3 days away, having studied to the point of feeling sick. All while making sure to put God first, and to be present with my grandmother. To the point of tears, my body during this in between stage feels... drained.
But.... I'm almost done! I know that God is about to turn everything around. Lord please help me to not rush any moment, but to rather enjoy even these moments! But i'm ready to unpack... not physical things like suitcases or boxes... but i'm ready to unpack these last 7 years. It's been such a journey. Thank you Lord so much for being with me every step of the way--- I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without you and I know that this truth remains with the NCLEX. I'm not the brightest light bulb, but with the little light I have I want to use it to glorify you!
As I texted with Stacey this morning, I was just so gracefully reminded that you Lord, put all of this together :) I have a peace that I will pass my NCLEX test... and when I do Lord please give me humility to lift all the praise back up to you! I'm on your timing Lord! I know the same way you allowed me to graduate you will work out every detail including NCLEX, my cruise with heather, Camp this summer, being a blessing to my gram, finding an apartment, and all of the other future events! You were my God yesterday, you are my God today, and I'm going to make sure that stays the same for the rest of eternity! I'm not going to let go because i'm devoted to you! And I trust that you won't let go.... even if I do sin or fall away! You will bring me back :) But.... I'd rather not have any earthly thing (Marriage, job, friendship and etc) if it means that I won't be 100% in love with you!
You are my life! Thank you for saving and keeping me! Thank you for showing mercy! Now..... time to breathe and study! We've got an NCLEX to pass!
This moment.... between two very distinct 'Big Milestones'. Having graduated on April 30th, Thank you Jesus, and now waiting to receive my ATT number to take my NCLEX, I'm feeling a bit... unmotivated to get back into the books!
So, Lord would you please help me. Also I ask that you would please help me not to get an attitude when gram tells me that I should be studying. Between you and I, there are times when it's harder to be home because I'm drawn between wanting to spend time with gram, and knowing that there is this pull to keep doing what I feel as though I graduated from.
So I am in this holding place. Wanting to move even closer to you Lord. Wanting to experience the freedom of worship separated from academia.
Help me to love and cherish, to serve and bless. Please help me to see All people the way that you do! I love you Jesus with All of me!
Sin is always crouching at the door... waiting for a small entrance. And open opportunity to run in, destroy and kill.
God... today I am sensing the eyes of satan peering and piercing the very tender areas of my heart... and if I can be quite honest it feels unbearable. What is unbearable is the truth that you have been showing me these past few days. You have been telling me that there is a Spirit of sexual sin that has permeated, has captured every single one of my family members. My mom, my ants and uncles, my grandfather and at times even myself. Father... I can't sit comfortably with this sin being so evident.
God please allow me to run to your shelter. Paul I believe realized this truth when he stated that when he wanted to do good evil was always present. Father... I sense even now that their are sexual spirits surrounding me. Lord, this may not be truth but I feel that in the same moment that I rebuke the spirits in your name, the name of Jesus, that they enter right back in when someone walks into the door.
Lord, I don't know how to fight this spiritual battle except to fight through your Word!
"How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you Lord with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you!"
- Psalm 119: 9-11
As I sit here I realize that in a few hours my entire life is about to change. 3...2....1..... time to make the decision to trust Jesus even more. Faith... please overcome this nercousness. This fear. Faith arise.
Tomorrow morning I have my first nursing job interview here in Cleveland. On Tuesday I have another interview in Wooster Ohio. My heart needs to trust that God, my savior, will reveal His desires.
Lord I'm willing to go wherever you please! I love you and I'm going to follow you to the ends of the earth!
