This God that I serve gave the most important thing up for the sake of me; His Son Jesus! This God that calls us the Apple of His eye... And while I don't want to sound selfish by using the Word 'me'.... I've gotta make this thing personal! Because in every single way... I've only been asked to carry one Cross! And that's the Cross that my Christ was nailed to! So it's 'me' whose soul feels like it's on the line.
I've been saved for 9 incredible yrs. And with elegance and ease i've been honored to live a life that 'draws' others to Christ. Some say I make it look easy and I say 'It's God that they're seeing'... because in all reality I struggle. I struggle in my Christian walk to be free from my past.
For as long as I can remember, much longer than being saved, i've struggled with same sex attraction. With having homosexual tendencies. With sexual impurity. At a very young age, between 7-9, I began having sex with my cousins... 'experimenting' because we, at such a young age witnessed our moms 'experiment' with men and women. So whether it was a girl cousin, boy cousin, or uncle....we didn't know any difference. At a very young age a sexual spirit was awakened within me that I had no control over. We never had anyone sitting us down telling us that it was wrong? Little games like 'hide and go get it' filled our inner city neighborhood streets... while in other parts of the world children were playing 'hide and go seek'. In our version of the game if you were found you'd have to perform some sexual act. Guess who was found often? And not just by one person but often by 2. Now it would be considered 3-play or 4-play, but to us kids... it was the price of playing the game. We knew no difference.
Then we were taken from my mother and placed into foster home, I was 12 and my sister was 6. I was manipulative, I knew how to get my way and use my body to do so. I was like my mother, had an appealing 'thick' body that made me appear older than I really was. So it didn't throw me off when my foster family's 28 yr old son approached me with sex. I knew the system and it worked. Or when the foster father opened up about his sex life... I wasn't baffled. It was just the type of world I knew... grew up in. We didn't have church... I lived with hypocrites.
I was the one in control especially when it came to inviting boys back to my home when no one was home. Hook line and sinker. And then in high school when bi-sexual activities were presented to me... it became just a piece of the already started puzzle.
Then I met Jesus! Moved to TX for a year and everything seemed to have settled. I believe I opened up about my 'same sex attractions' once before because I lived in a room with 5 girls and felt the need to be open about where I came from. But at the time I was also in an atmosphere where we were actively practicing self disciplines on a weekly, if not daily, basis. We were the church, come together! Prayed together, ate together, worked out together, climbed mountains together, went on mission trips together..... It was like satan had no entrance in! I miss those days so so so much! I honestly don't remember ever struggling during that time! Then I graduated 2009....
Moved back home and for quite some time it felt like the Lord blessed me with a shield of protection! He and I communed regularly.... He placed me in an all girls nursing school with one mind, to do His will! Become a nurse, to be a medical missionary, to spread the gospel! I was ready! And then I met Linda... on a mission trip in Venezuela. She and her family were the family members of the pastor of the church I attended at the time. I was so blessed by the mission trip.... God did some amazing things during that time! It wasn't until afterwards that I'd fallen back into the trap of a same sex relationship. It seemed like it happened so fast where I became the one 'preyed' on... though I in no way was innocent. My good intentions of wanting a mentor, especially in a position that I one day wanted to be, as a missionary quickly turned into a very inappropriate and sexual relationship where one day we were in public to the next being in a hotel room.
Thankfully, my Savior, called it out into the open in which I quickly repented and relinquished my deliverance back into the Lords hands. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. Because in so many ways, since that moment, I feel as though i've been attacked more and more lately. And that's what brings me here... now.
Living alone here in Wooster has been so incredibly wonderful! But i'm isolated...when it comes to fellowship unfortunately i've not been able journey with many. I've struggled somewhat for quite sometime with having 'normal' girlfriend relationships... due to my background, but when it comes to close Godly sisterhood friendships I find that I am attacked there the most! Now don't get me wrong... I've got a best friend who is closer than a sister who I've never stumbled with, thought inappropriately about, been attracted to... and for that reason I KNOW without a doubt that she has been God's special gift and reminder of purity! But that's as far as it goes!
Outside of the whole attraction issue... I know for a fact that God created me to be a very intimate woman! Who desires to know the heart of the other. Who enjoys living in the moment with others and is more than willing to connect! But having this kind of personality unfortunately feels more like tools for satan to use against me. I know God is calling me into womens ministry.... but how can I, a woman who struggles with same sex attractions, ever help lead a group of women into a lifestyle of freedom, deliverance and purpose.
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"Tell your story"--- Is all that I hear God saying....
Lord! If this is the key that you want to use to give me complete freedom, then this is what i'll do! Show me how....
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As I went into the library today to find literature to read about 'Breaking free from sexual sin' or 'Deliverance' I was very disheartened to hear what type of Christian literature was offered.... rather the small amount there was. But even more disheartening was the compromise of what was offered... titles like (paraphrased):
-Perspectives from a gay pastor
-How the Bible supports homosexuality
-God loves you even though your gay
-The rainbow bible
My heart broke at how many people tried to incorporate homosexuality into a Christian lifestyle. How it's ok to have tendencies and still be a Christian. Accepting the way you are.... NO!NO!NO! Absolutely NOT! My heart is so broken that people would be ok with the way that they are.... we are! God did not make us this way. It is sin that has caused us to have these unnatural affections. I will be the first to say that it was the way that I was brought up that nurtured these unnatural affections within me... not having a dad in my life to show me what a real man looks like. Rather seeing men use my mother for sex and etc. It was seeing the men in my family follow the pimp lifestyle that their father exemplified. It was having sexual relations with both genders at such a young age... when everyone else was being told about the birds and the bees or seeing it played out in their own home with a mother and father figure. It was having a gay uncle. It was having a lesbian as a cousin. It was my upbringing that caused me to prefer the emotional aspect of women more than men. That has caused me to be attracted to what I didn't' have! Heck no..... I was not born this way, nor was anyone else. And yes... I do believe that even the thought of biological involvement is a lie from satan. But I understand how people can believe it.
I in no way am blaming those who are practicing open homosexuality, because I once did. My heart goes out to them because in so many ways, I know, that if I didn't have the spirit of God living within me, I too would be holding up a rainbow flag. But God has delivered me... even though I still have thoughts, dreams and fantasies, God has delivered me from my right to make my own decision regarding my life! I am HIS.... and that's the final say!
So... nope.... i'm not whole, it's not easy, I still have to daily say no to my flesh... but because Jesus died to give me an opportunity to be saved, its worth it! Before I ever compromise again i'd rather die! And I mean that whole-heartedly. I don't believe there is a such thing as a 'Gay-Christian' or a 'Homosexual Christian'.... I believe we are just Christians who are clinging to the hand of Christ to not give in to sexual tendencies that won't let go of us!
We are new creations! And I will not be identified by my thorn! In Jesus name :)
From,
The Redeemed!
"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."- 1 Timothy 6:12
