These 4 Squares...

Father, I ask for your faithful Grace and Patience. My heart, and maybe even hormones, have been so imbalanced these past few months and the only words I can put on it are 'unreal expectations'.

I know and still believe with conviction that your plan for me was to move to Wooster Ohio and to work at the Hospital! Even when they rejected me for the scholarship... I just knew that it was still your will! Even when I failed NCLEX 3 times... I knew it was still YOUR will! During the year long wait... I waited, sometimes impatiently, knowing that you were a God who would never give me a desire that wasn't your will!Who would never give me a relentless longing without fulfilling it! I trusted you and you came through!

I still trust you! I've not forgotten of your tangible love and closeness. Your Grace and provision upon my life has been like a fairy tale... with every great ending! God my heart pants for you in a way that I couldn't have learned without the season of waiting!

But as I sit here in Wooster.... I find that loneliness has become the burden of my heart. Lord... you created me, you know me, and you know that my heart longs for relationship. For family. For Spiritual companionship. And my biggest heartbreak is that subconsciously I try to place this burden on everyone that I meet here. Yet, when their lives seem to not cater to my sadness/loneliness (which is a foolish + unrealistic expectation) then I feel rejected and most often forgotten.

I just want to connect Lord! I'm beginning to resent waking up + falling asleep in an empty home. Nothing moved out of place by anothers hands.... dishes still in the sink. Cars passing back and forth. Seasons changing within these 4 squares of my life.

Will I ever connect here Lord? Will it ever go beyond this view? Am I asking for too much? Am I not being grateful for your presence? Am I missing what you are wanting to teach me now.... in the silence and uncommitted moments? I'm present and ready to learn! But what I ask Lord is that you would please sooth my heart in the meantime... and may these 4 squares be the entrance of you SON!

I love you.... Thank you for your GOODNESS and Glory!!! May your Glory fill my home!