We Had to Seperate!

Amazing what God does when we cry out to Him. When we ask Jesus the big "Why" question when so many Christians feel guilty over. Yet... in our deepest, most desperate state of mind, when no answers given by good, well meaning friends and family, seem to suffice... turning to Jesus is the only lifeline that we can hang on to!

And just to add to that... the more hurt we experience in our lives the easier it will become to make Jesus the first One that we cry out to!

Hence... I'm here! After nearly 4 months of journeying and falling in love with the man that I thought would be my husband one day... all ended with one quick message. And the 2 stopped being 2.... and returned to just being one.

In the midst of my heartbreak I turned to friends and family for solice. I ached for closure in ways that no one seemed to be able to offer. And then, when the hurt seemed to rip my heart into imeasurable pieces... that's when I dropped to my knees and cried out to Jesus! "LORD... WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE FOR THIS NOW PAIN".

I wanted to know from the Lord why He would allow me to journey, to love, to sense peace every step of the way... for it to only turn into heart wrenching pain!

And then this morning happened! And as I meditated on the Lord and All that He's been doing He shared one incredible truth with me which ended up being confirmed in my Ladies Bible Study this morning!

In my relationship with Casey we had fun. But so much of that fun was spent reminiscing about the good old days. The music, the lingo. He'd spend minutes upon minutes throwing out lyrics in which I would join in happily. Though before Casey I'd not thought of those songs in forever. Many of them I knew because my mom or family listened to them. Even the ones that were demeaning to women.... in which I reminded Him often! That they indeed were demeaning. But I loved the man... therefore If it was fun for Him to enjoy His few moments of reminiscing then I was by His side.

Of course we had tons of other types of fun... but He always felt comfortable around me to relive out loud. Yet.... looking back I can now see that in so many ways, in our relationship, He was really living in both worlds still. Reminiscing of all the inappropriate songs, singing, laughing and finding himself lost in the moment. And then turning on Christian music!

Or still sometimes drinking alcohol that He was once delivered from. But enjoyed the taste. He loved the Lord Jesus but when it came to 'Leaving those things behind...', Having a spirit of excellency.... He wasn't there yet!

And unfortunately... that may have been the very thing that caused our relationship to come to an end! I refused to be pulled back and maybe in some ways He wasn't ready to be pulled up. No... I'm not perfect! But One thing I do know is that I'm pressing toward the mark of the High calling of Jesus! And if Jesus thinks enough to tell me to Be Holy... then everything that limits that journey must be thrown into the fire!

Excellency! Some say that my standards are too high... but the reality of it is this, my standards are grounded in the Word of God! In what He tells us to do, how He prompts us to live! And I want to look more and more like Jesus every single day!

So if that means that I remain single, because there's no man out there who also has this heartbeat, then by God's Grace I will live it well! But if I am to be married one day Lord, my prayer is that you would mold my husband with a spirit of excellency who will live above reproach! Who will actively seek to Be Holy like Jesus! Who will communicate and challenge me to exemplify Christ! And who above all else will honor my convictions and standards... knowing that they ALL stem from the desire to Love Christ more that I did when I first said YES!

Having fun is great... but there is a Godly fun that honors Christ and fits Christians who are in the world but not of it!

Remove those dead man clothes!

As I sit here Lord on Good Friday I can't help but sense you uttering the words 'Restored... restored... restored' in my ear. Merciful father... it was today thousands of years ago when your back received each lashing that should have belonged to me. Your right hand and left pierced with the nail that should have been for me. I can't thank you enough... but I give you my life!

Restored & Loved!

Wow it's been quite a lengthy time since I've written...
So much has happened in between time...
But what has brought me back is this!

Satan doesn't want me to be Loved!

See in every way the Lord has delivered and restored me! My last post challenged me to step out and use my 'hidden' testimony for the sake/deliverance of a sweet friend. In 3 different arenas the Lord allowed me to share my past of same gender attraction, self gratification and pornography.

It  was in sharing these sins that the Lord healed and delivered me 100% from a lifestyle of sin before Him and ultimately separation! And then God started me on the journey of discovering my Worth in HIM! I learned that I am Worthy because of His life in me! That I have Value for His kingdom! And I can live a life of FREEDOM to the fullest :)

And I promise in every way once the Lord showered me with His love in this way, it truly opened my eyes to the life that I felt He was wanting me to live! A thriving, vibrant, full life of ministry! So I started with praying for a home. Then for a traditional schedule. Then for a way to start taking foster care classes to become a foster parent.

Hence, in neither of those prayers did I pray for a husband, or future family! Because my heart was set on not waiting to start ministry once I met my husband but to live in such a way that if I didn't get married I wouldn't have regretted any second! And lives would still be impacted for the Kingdom of God!

It was then that I met Casey Allen White :) And by day 3 when the enemy would have had me daydreaming and fantasizing of impure acts with him, I sensed he Holy Spirit say very clearly... "Not this one. Hide him in your spirit! Fight for Him!" And that's what I chose then and am still to this day choosing to do!

But I'm writing in this moment because my heart is sensing in every way, the enemy of our souls stepping in and trying to make me feel that I don't 'deserve' to be loved by a man who loves Jesus more than life itself! Who is walking upright before our Lord and has a heart to minister to the broken and see them reconciled back to Christ!

This weekend we were able to minister together to two sweet young people who have a form of Godliness but aren't walking in the power of God currently. And any other time Casey and I have ministered, for instance, to the homeless... we've never encountered any type of resistance. But this past weekend was one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled times we ever had together. It's like in every area satan was attacking Casey and I which made ministering together quite tense at times. And looking back I can 100% see how God, despite our heavy, burdened, oppressed heart, how God worked every aspect out! He started the healing process within the two younger saints and amongst us God strengthened our resolve to remain faithful in the ministry of sharing the Gospel!

Yet... today it seems as though satan has extra time on his hands. There's a residue, a battle still going on in my heart. And after speaking with my mentor, in some ways I'm wondering if satan is playing on my own insecurities. If that is the case... I choose to allow this place to be the platform to share my deepest thoughts!

So here are my list of insecurities that I choose to place at the feet of Jesus and snatch from satans hands:
1. I am afraid of being over powered by satan. Of living a life of constant oppression for doingn the Lords will!
2. I am afraid that Casey will see my struggles and leave me
3. I'm afraid that Casey will think that I am the cause for such spiritual warefare
4. What if I heard God wrong? What if He didn't say that Casey 'was mine'? What if our relationship is simply for the sake of Makayla and Tyler?
5. What if we don't get married?
6. What if my heart is broken?
7. What if my heart is too much for Casey to carry? Sometimes I find that my sensitivity is only heightened when He's so calm! But thank you that He can be the stillness to my wave like emotions!

Lord,
You know that I trust you with all that I am! And even in the moments when satan shows his slithering deception... I still trust that you are in control! Why do I now get nervous whenever I say that I Love Casey White? Because I'm afraid to lose Him! But Lord the reality is... He's yours! So I choose to give Him back to you and you alone! My heart remains very much so bound to do your will and to love without disruption. I believe you gave me Casey to love with a Godly love! To cherish selflessly and to honor as my husband! But may in every way you find us faithful doing your will?

I love you Savior as my Lord :) I love Casey as my sweet man! And I love our life as divinely orchestrated!

So Lord.... I lay my desires and insecurities at your feet! You are God and I trust you!

-Expose to become clean!
-I have the power, through God, to share my testimony and see a generation saved. Would I keep it to myself for my own safety? To not be shunned? To keep up an image? Or can I trust God enough to shield me from satans attacks even when i'm afraid of the aftermath?

Play it safe or Be obedient?
How do I overcome? Blood of the lamb and word of their testimony!

Dish time Revelation!

Thank you Lord!

As I was standing at my sink washing my 3000 piled up dishes the Lord began to speak with me His truth! Yesterday I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a group called 'Alethia' at my church. During our women's retreat, a few days earlier, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity of meeting a girl named Emily who invited me! I'd thought, according to the description on the church's website that the age bracket was 18-25.... which left me 2 years over! But she said I could come anyhow, so I did.

It was so great! The message, led by the youth pastor was ok :) The young adult pastor filled in many of the awkward spaces. But none the less I was reminded in Ephesians 5 to not even allow 'sin' to be named amongst us saints! But afterwards many of the ladies approached me and we just talked about everything from the women's retreat, to coffee, to working out and etc! Invited each other on facebook and etc. Well this morning I awoke and had 15 messages which turned out to be a group chat for an event that I was invited to! Praise God :) Starting off with yoga, then breakfast. And while there's so many more details in between... I was blessed to be invited!

But as I stood at my sink scraping dish by dish my mind began to be filled with God's sweet voice. 'Tish, even though your personality yields more to one on one settings, your past life of same gender attraction and sexual sin, has left you with no other choice than to become one who surrounds herself with 2 or more.' And with that I was left feeling like my life just opened up a new door. I guess my mentality of intimate relationships never consisted of more than one... but the reality is that while there is a time and place for that, I should be surrounding myself with several women, in the same gathering, that know me intimately and who can speak into my life and vice versa. 

Isolation, unfortunately, has been my stumbling block. I think of a previous relationship where myself and the person I called friend would make every effort to find 'alone' space. This didn't turn out so well because it secluded everyone else from knowing us. We became a unit to ourselves. UNHEALTHY! Even now i've been struggling in my heart with a sweet friend who is just like me... more reserved, doesn't share everything with everyone! The blessing of our friendship is that she isn't a person who doesn't have other friends! She very much so does which means that here and now I have the opportunity to practice healthy relations and enjoy the presence of other sisters... which would take the unintentional pressure off of her to be my 'do everything with' friend! 

Those dishes became more clean with every stroke! And that's what I so look forward to with my own life! Deliverance in and through God's gift of the Body of Christ! I'm excited to journey with these women and what I'm really looking forward to is being real and vulnerable as the opportunity lends itself! 

Here goes something! 

Water turned off, drying towel in hand! 

Passive Ministry!

Today I stuck my foot in my mouth during a moment that was intended to be ministry. I simply, through the cracks, wanted to ask someone if they were still struggling with things of the past... And I was called out to the carpet.

It was awkward. I felt nauseated. Of course I cleaned it up and the conversation turned a corner.... But how and why do I get myself caught in moments like that?

Lord please send those that need an encouraging word regarding sexual sins of their past to me. I can't go out hunting anymore. Nothing about it was right. And I hated it! I'm not my own Shepard. You have to make whomever it is ready.

Forgive me Lord for trying to do your work! I love you and I release this whole Women's Ministry gifting to you!

I will be present when you send them :)

My Thorn...

9 years! I've been saved and walking with Jesus Christ for 9 yrs out of my 27. It may not seem like much but in my heart it feels like a lifetime! God has done so much within the very DNA of my soul. Healing, deliverance, provision, progression... strength, hope, intimacy, courage, resiliency. Peace, longsuffering, forgiveness, trust, resolve. These are just some of the Words that mirror the lessons God has taught me! He's been so patient in my life... in the midst of me not really knowing how to 'KNOW' Him. Truly, I don't understand why He chose me... but He has. So often it would be easier to think that He just needed extra hands and feet to carry the Gospel...but then i'm reminded that He is God! And all of creation is at His beckon call. He is God and the universe declares His glory! He is God who has the ability to plant a vision in the mind of a man/woman while they sleep... a vision of Himself! Who spoke to Joseph about His perfect plan! He saved Paul while He was yet blind. Who shared with the woman caught in adultary that she was forgiven.... no judges but Himself, but One! The Only One... and He said Go and sin no more!

This God that I serve gave the most important thing up for the sake of me; His Son Jesus! This God that calls us the Apple of His eye... And while I don't want to sound selfish by using the Word 'me'.... I've gotta make this thing personal! Because in every single way... I've only been asked to carry one Cross! And that's the Cross that my Christ was nailed to! So it's 'me' whose soul feels like it's on the line.

I've been saved for 9 incredible yrs. And with elegance and ease i've been honored to live a life that 'draws' others to Christ. Some say I make it look easy and I say 'It's God that they're seeing'... because in all reality I struggle. I struggle in my Christian walk to be free from my past.

For as long as I can remember, much longer than being saved, i've struggled with same sex attraction. With having homosexual tendencies. With sexual impurity. At a very young age, between 7-9, I began having sex with my cousins... 'experimenting' because we, at such a young age witnessed our moms 'experiment' with men and women. So whether it was a girl cousin, boy cousin, or uncle....we didn't know any difference. At a very young age a sexual spirit was awakened within me that I had no control over. We never had anyone sitting us down telling us that it was wrong? Little games like 'hide and go get it' filled our inner city neighborhood streets... while in other parts of the world children were playing 'hide and go seek'. In our version of the game if you were found you'd have to perform some sexual act. Guess who was found often? And not just by one person but often by 2. Now it would be considered 3-play or 4-play, but to us kids... it was the price of playing the game. We knew no difference. 

Then we were taken from my mother and placed into foster home, I was 12 and my sister was 6. I was manipulative, I knew how to get my way and use my body to do so. I was like my mother, had an appealing 'thick' body that made me appear older than I really was. So it didn't throw me off when my foster family's 28 yr old son approached me with sex. I knew the system and it worked. Or when the foster father opened up about his sex life... I wasn't baffled. It was just the type of world I knew... grew up in. We didn't have church... I lived with hypocrites. 

I was the one in control especially when it came to inviting boys back to my home when no one was home. Hook line and sinker. And then in high school when bi-sexual activities were presented to me... it became just a piece of the already started puzzle. 

Then I met Jesus! Moved to TX for a year and everything seemed to have settled. I believe I opened up about my 'same sex attractions' once before because I lived in a room with 5 girls and felt the need to be open about where I came from. But at the time I was also in an atmosphere where we were actively practicing self disciplines on a weekly, if not daily, basis. We were the church, come together! Prayed together, ate together, worked out together, climbed mountains together, went on mission trips together..... It was like satan had no entrance in! I miss those days so so so much! I honestly don't remember ever struggling during that time! Then I graduated 2009....

Moved back home and for quite some time it felt like the Lord blessed me with a shield of protection! He and I communed regularly.... He placed me in an all girls nursing school with one mind, to do His will! Become a nurse, to be a medical missionary, to spread the gospel! I was ready! And then I met Linda... on a mission trip in Venezuela. She and her family were the family members of the pastor of the church I attended at the time. I was so blessed by the mission trip.... God did some amazing things during that time! It wasn't until afterwards that I'd fallen back into the trap of a same sex relationship. It seemed like it happened so fast where I became the one 'preyed' on... though I in no way was innocent. My good intentions of wanting a mentor, especially in a position that I one day wanted to be, as a missionary quickly turned into a very inappropriate and sexual relationship where one day we were in public to the next being in a hotel room. 

Thankfully, my Savior, called it out into the open in which I quickly repented and relinquished my deliverance back into the Lords hands. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. Because in so many ways, since that moment, I feel as though i've been attacked more and more lately. And that's what brings me here... now.

Living alone here in Wooster has been so incredibly wonderful! But i'm isolated...when it comes to fellowship unfortunately i've not been able journey with many. I've struggled somewhat for quite sometime with having 'normal' girlfriend relationships... due to my background, but when it comes to close Godly sisterhood friendships I find that I am attacked there the most! Now don't get me wrong... I've got a best friend who is closer than a sister who I've never stumbled with, thought inappropriately about, been attracted to... and for that reason I KNOW without a doubt that she has been God's special gift and reminder of purity! But that's as far as it goes! 

Outside of the whole attraction issue... I know for a fact that God created me to be a very intimate woman! Who desires to know the heart of the other. Who enjoys living in the moment with others and is more than willing to connect! But having this kind of personality unfortunately feels more like tools for satan to use against me. I know God is calling me into womens ministry.... but how can I, a woman who struggles with same sex attractions, ever help lead a group of women into a lifestyle of freedom, deliverance and purpose. 

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"Tell your story"--- Is all that I hear God saying....

Lord! If this is the key that you want to use to give me complete freedom, then this is what i'll do! Show me how....

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As I went into the library today to find literature to read about 'Breaking free from sexual sin' or 'Deliverance' I was very disheartened to hear what type of Christian literature was offered.... rather the small amount there was. But even more disheartening was the compromise of what was offered... titles like (paraphrased):

-Perspectives from a gay pastor

-How the Bible supports homosexuality

-God loves you even though your gay

-The rainbow bible

My heart broke at how many people tried to incorporate homosexuality into a Christian lifestyle. How it's ok to have tendencies and still be a Christian. Accepting the way you are.... NO!NO!NO! Absolutely NOT! My heart is so broken that people would be ok with the way that they are.... we are! God did not make us this way. It is sin that has caused us to have these unnatural affections. I will be the first to say that it was the way that I was brought up that nurtured these unnatural affections within me... not having a dad in my life to show me what a real man looks like. Rather seeing men use my mother for sex and etc. It was seeing the men in my family follow the pimp lifestyle that their father exemplified. It was having sexual relations with both genders at such a young age... when everyone else was being told about the birds and the bees or seeing it played out in their own home with a mother and father figure. It was having a gay uncle. It was having a lesbian as a cousin. It was my upbringing that caused me to prefer the emotional aspect of women more than men. That has caused me to be attracted to what I didn't' have! Heck no..... I was not born this way, nor was anyone else. And yes... I do believe that even the thought of biological involvement is a lie from satan. But I understand how people can believe it.

 I in no way am blaming those who are practicing open homosexuality, because I once did. My heart goes out to them because in so many ways, I know, that if I didn't have the spirit of God living within me, I too would be holding up a rainbow flag. But God has delivered me... even though I still have thoughts, dreams and fantasies, God has delivered me from my right to make my own decision regarding my life! I am HIS.... and that's the final say! 

So... nope.... i'm not whole, it's not easy, I still have to daily say no to my flesh... but because Jesus died to give me an opportunity to be saved, its worth it! Before I ever compromise again i'd rather die! And I mean that whole-heartedly. I don't believe there is a such thing as a 'Gay-Christian' or a 'Homosexual Christian'.... I believe we are just Christians who are clinging to the hand of Christ to not give in to sexual tendencies that won't let go of us!

We are new creations! And I will not be identified by my thorn! In Jesus name :) 

From,

The Redeemed! 

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."- 1 Timothy 6:12

These 4 Squares...

Father, I ask for your faithful Grace and Patience. My heart, and maybe even hormones, have been so imbalanced these past few months and the only words I can put on it are 'unreal expectations'.

I know and still believe with conviction that your plan for me was to move to Wooster Ohio and to work at the Hospital! Even when they rejected me for the scholarship... I just knew that it was still your will! Even when I failed NCLEX 3 times... I knew it was still YOUR will! During the year long wait... I waited, sometimes impatiently, knowing that you were a God who would never give me a desire that wasn't your will!Who would never give me a relentless longing without fulfilling it! I trusted you and you came through!

I still trust you! I've not forgotten of your tangible love and closeness. Your Grace and provision upon my life has been like a fairy tale... with every great ending! God my heart pants for you in a way that I couldn't have learned without the season of waiting!

But as I sit here in Wooster.... I find that loneliness has become the burden of my heart. Lord... you created me, you know me, and you know that my heart longs for relationship. For family. For Spiritual companionship. And my biggest heartbreak is that subconsciously I try to place this burden on everyone that I meet here. Yet, when their lives seem to not cater to my sadness/loneliness (which is a foolish + unrealistic expectation) then I feel rejected and most often forgotten.

I just want to connect Lord! I'm beginning to resent waking up + falling asleep in an empty home. Nothing moved out of place by anothers hands.... dishes still in the sink. Cars passing back and forth. Seasons changing within these 4 squares of my life.

Will I ever connect here Lord? Will it ever go beyond this view? Am I asking for too much? Am I not being grateful for your presence? Am I missing what you are wanting to teach me now.... in the silence and uncommitted moments? I'm present and ready to learn! But what I ask Lord is that you would please sooth my heart in the meantime... and may these 4 squares be the entrance of you SON!

I love you.... Thank you for your GOODNESS and Glory!!! May your Glory fill my home!

The last day...

Today is the last day of 2017--- December 31st @ 3:07 to be exact.

My couch is currently supporting me and all that 2017 held. Coffee steaming with the waves of instrumental worship settling the atmosphere. The smell of breakfast blend serenading my home. White topped cars and lawns outside my window and my sweet cat resting on my leg... A picture perfect scene! I do love moments like this...

Yet this past year didn't quite feel like a picture perfect scene. Looking back at it now I can honestly say that it was more trying than any other. It held my heartbreak and grief, joys and celebrations than any other season of my life. But one thing that I can attest to... God was good! Honestly with no hesitation!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This past season in a nutshell:

Graduated from nursing college April 30th 2016

Two failed attempts with the NCLEX

Gram was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma November 2016 (A few months later we brought in home hospice for their home health services and overall care as Gram, through wisdom, decided to not undergo chemo. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like if shed went through with treatment... we may not have had as many good days.)

Started working at Marc's

Chelley's Review course from February to June 

Passed my NCLEX on the 4th attempt on June 19th

Gram birthday celebration on June 21st

Started working at WCH on July 10th

Moved out of grams to Wooster in September

Grams homegoing to be with Jesus December 2nd

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Looking at the timeline above makes that season look quite short... but I will be the first to say that every single day felt like a thousand. God was faithful in molding and providing for me physically, emotionally, mentally but most importantly spiritually. And while I could not see it then I see it crystal clear now that God's greatest gift to me during my past season was my grandmother. My sweet grandmother Lorene M Morris was every bit all that I strive to be. An incredible woman of God, a beautiful, loyal, submissive, strong and devoted wife. A mother, sister, cousin grandmother and great grandmother. In every way I was taught these past 12 years, but more so within this past year, how to be devoted to God first! How to wait on Him for direction and wisdom. To be patient always and give God the glory regardless. And in times when I'm down she'd always remind me to sing songs of praise, because it was hymnals that helped her make it through.

The other day Mr. Kent said that it I was the reason gram was left down here for 2 extra years following grandpa Morris' homegoing... and to this all I can say is thank you Lord! I miss her daily, Lord knows I do... but those lessons that she taught me from how to prepare a home for guests, to praying for others and studying God's Words, will never be lost. I still have my days when I'm not so sure how to move forward but then I am reminded by God's special nudge that He has never left me nor forsaken.... that He is faithful to lead me as father! So... one day at a time! Though there won't be anymore sweet moments of scripture time, back rubs, laughs during the night or joking, I know that my God will continue to fill in those areas of void. 

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I've been living in Wooster Ohio for about 3 months now... the dream and calling finally came to fruition. But not quite in the way that I thought it would be? I love my job and the many nurses I get to serve next to! Some closer than others :) But... within these few months I haven't really been able to find my footing, where I fit in. I don't know many people here in Wooster unfortunately, so that leaves me at home with my sweet cat sage quite a bit. It does get lonely I must admit. The Lord has brought 2 good friends my way which has been a blessing. The one that I work with is who I tend to hang out with more often which is and has been a blessing. So.... my prayer is that the Lord would do what only He can... help me to reach out/receive those that He has created me to journey with! 

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Lastly, what I sense God calling me to! From a very young age I knew that I wanted to be a 'baby doctor' and while I'm sure it was to help the babies when they leave their mothers womb,  I honestly think even then it was to be the support system for the woman as she transitioned into this new role. As I grew older it was very evident that the Lord had placed women's health on my heart and mind. I was passionate then and even more so now to see women reach their full potential with holistic wellness. Our bodies, as women, are so unique and complex! The way that God had to diversify the strands of our DNA to give us the ability to bring forth life is just incredible to me! But it doesn't just start when we get pregnant... it actually starts the moment we take our first breath! Consider this... a woman is at a much higher risk for reproductive cancer simply because of the unique way we are created. Cleanliness and preventative care for the woman can not only save her but can also influence generations to come! Great example would be the tampon use in our society. Well known complications include UTI's, toxic shock syndrome, PID and even cervical cancer. But if a young girl is never told this, nor ever taught the proper way to decrease chances of complications then in fact she will either become infertile or die as a result. In no way am I trying to be morbid rather we need more women's health practitioners who have a holistic heart! 

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*A little insert here: I've also over this past year or so been able to really see why satan has tried so often to destroy me as a woman. My past history with sexual immorality, impure tendencies, self gratification and pornography at one point caused me to totally push away friendships with other women due to the thought of falling away from God again. Even just speaking of purity, when I'd lost mine at the age of 11, I use to think 'how could I ever speak with another woman about abstinence when I no longer was a virgin? Or how could I clearly get the message across regarding our worth as women when I'd given away, what felt like, all that I was worth to countless men and women. I use to think that if I were to share the message of Agape Love and Saving ourselves for marriage that people would see me as a hypocrite... but the reality is, this message God has called me to share is His message! From His words and not my own :) 

So what I am learning to do,when my hormones may rage, when impure thoughts cross my mind, when unGodly urges creep in... I pray! Plead with God to remove the hand of the enemy and to fight my battles! I do this first and foremost for Jesus... I take salvation very seriously and my desire is to be Holy as He is Holy. I do it because I love Him and His death on the cross for me has delivered me from unGodliness! From Sin :) He who the son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36) I want to be free to love and worship God! Second reason is this... I plead the blood of Jesus over any stronghold that would stand against me and what God has called me to! I do it for the sweet women who struggle with their own purity! If I can be an  example of Victory then it makes all the difference to me! Satan cannot and will not have the calling that God has placed over Otisha Germany! In Jesus name!

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Yet within the past year God has given me a passionate/convicted heart about women's health within the church; women's ministry! I believe in my heart and know that God has called me to be a minister of the gospel to the women within the Body of Christ. I experienced quite a confirmation as I sat in a Bible Study and found myself surrounded around sweet women who loved Jesus more than anything but didn't quite have a hunger to go Deeper into the Word of God. Who were content with just talking around the Bible... about very applicable things none the less, but didn't possess the hunger to study scripture alone. My heart broke for them and for the church as a whole. So many of us women have a surface level, are milk drinkers still because we've fallen use to our husbands scriptural strength. And while that's so wonderful to have a husband who is strong and solid in the Word, who leads in truth and conviction, we too need to be nourished and strengthened. Where does it begin? I've grown so tired of hearing others profess the gospel and just ingesting.... I want to give it back as the Lord leads!

So right now I am actively praying that the Lord would send me someone who is actively in the ministry, teaching and partaking in raising Godly women up for the Kingdom of God! Teaching us how to understand scripture, to rightly divide God's Word as well as how to use it in our homes and our World today.

God's timing! Gods peace!

So... this upcoming years Word is..... Preparation!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."- Ephesians 2:10

God is preparing me for what's already been prepared! Excited to walk in them :) 

See you soon 2018!

Broken peices....

Lord... here I am on 12/27 feeling... broken. Messed up. Confused and lost. Like trying to walk in darkness only to discover tender areas where bruises have developed from countless moments of bumps.... I feel uninvitingly pained. My heart is grieving

Lord, sometimes I feel that people make 'emotions' to be the spiritual adversary of our faith, the vilian... I beg to differ in one instance but in another I agree, because in this moment it's my broken heart that has called me to be still. And while my, our emotions in other instances hinder our growth process in you, I very much so know that you've given us this moldable heart of flesh that has demanded the right to know hurt, happiness, sorrow and joy.

So Lord, the question I've been asking myself on repeat is this.... 'What am I doing?'

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Why doesn't this seem to be going as 'good' as I thought it would?
Why is my greatest cheerleader gone?

On December 2nd @ 1050am my grandmother, my sweet Best Friend, went home to be with Jesus. Her graceful entrance was the most beautiful goodbye.... and for that moment I had nothing but joy for her. There were no mixed emotions, no selfish motives, no thought of the 'lack'. There was just pure joy in knowing that she was safe in the arms of Jesus and not having to 'hide under a rock' as she'd always say :) She was and is pain free, no longer stained by the curse of sin. She's with you and that is the greatest gifting that any of us could receive!

And then the hours passed where she was no longer in her blue chair by the couch. Or asking 'what's for dinner'? We weren't reading and praying before bed. I didn't hear her sweet voice as we gossiped. There was no coughing, no oxygen mask. No prepatory plans for prayer breakfast. No trips to Walmart. No special meals coming to the house. No grandma reminding me to 'wait on the Lord'. No one to take pics of... No more grandma. Went to bed and awoke with no friend greeting me. I use to do this thing most mornings where I would call her on the phone in the other room and say that I had been captured by the bed.. and she'd come in, sit on my bed and just love on me. We had so much fun.... I haven't had that since she's been gone. Life has lost it's enjoyment. My satisfaction level has fallen below 'Christian levels'. My contentment is muddled with heartache and I don't know what to do Lord. I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel more than alone in Wooster. It was of course your calling Lord but it was also my grandmothers greatest prayer for me... that you Lord would fulfill those things within me that you had prepared me for. Remember when she visited Wooster with me the first time! We had so much fun :)

Yet what I hate so much is our last few months together. Our mini arguments. The increased need to apologize. My lack of calling as much. I have so many regrets father that feel so overwhelming to even talk about.... so for now, so that I am not crying like a baby in this public space, I will leave those things, verbal apologies to a my sweet grandmother in your hands. Please let my grandmother know that living with her this past year and getting to love her was my greatest gift. I didn't realize it then.... but I've realized it everyday since December 2nd 2017 that after salvation, my greatest earthly gift was getting to be loved and taught by Lorene M Morris.

And though this separation seems unbearably great right now.... I know that soon I will be able to clearly see in detail every bit of what you did and what you're still wanting to do!

My Father in heaven you are my comforter. My very present help. Would you please continue to direct my steps. Please lead my path because quite honestly I don't feel as stable with this veil of grief crowding my vision. As I have, please help me to continue to bring every emotion back to you... and when they start to let up, please help me to use what my grandmother taught me to help other women. We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made......I know this full well!

Until next time Lord,
You are God and I trust you! Please forgive me for neglecting you and our time. I bring these broken pieces to you... because as you've knit me once I know you can do it again!
My love, my Best friend, my Jesus! I surrender....

Motive????

Zechariah 7: 3-10

"....speaking to the priests who belong to the house of the Lord of hosts, and to the prophets, saying, "Shall I weep in the fifth month and abstain, as I have done these many years?" Then the word of the Lord of hosts came to me, saying, "Say to all the people of the land and to the priests, 'When you fasted and mourned in the fifth and seventh months these seventy years, was it actually for Me that you fasted? When you eat and drink, do you not eat for yourselves and do you not drink for yourselves? Are not these the words which the Lord proclaimed by the former prophets, when Jerusalem was inhabited and prosperous along with its cities around it, and the Negev and the foothills were inhabited?'"  Then the word of the Lord came to Zechariah saying, "Thus has the Lord of hosts said, 'Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother; and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another."

Wow!!! Paraphrased... what is your true purpose in fasting? What type of tradition are you trying to hold up? What's being accomplished? And lastly, do you really know why you do what you do!

A bit of background, because I'm loving getting the opportunity to study Zechariah and His prophetic ministry amongst God's people....
During the 5th and 7th month of every year, the Jewish people conducted a time of fasting to remember many of the historical events that had happened in their past... Such as the brining of their temple. Or the assassination of one of their great leaders named Gedaliah. Present day would be the Holocaust. Whatever events there way, that would entice a mournful atmosphere would represent why they chose to have annual times of fasting.

So they approach the prophet and the priests to inquire of the Lord "should we mourn and fast as we have done annually for years?"

In that moment of reading this I begin to wonder what triggered the sudden break in their tradition? And I can only assume that the Lord God had been convicting their hearts to turn away from empty rituals. Acts that no longer are directed toward God but rather are for show. God challenges them by asking "Are you doing this for me?"

And the answer was no...they were not! Sometimes we can do things the "Christian way" without giving much thought to why we do it. Giving money to the homeless, inviting others over for Bible study or just a meal, lifting our hands in church, etc.... There are two motives that can battle against each other with our actions! The first motive is that truly I want people to see God! I want Him to be honored and adorned. I want the world to know what kind of love He possesses... A love that saves! The second is us, me, motivated. I want the homeless man to see me, I want those that I invite over to adore my home, I want people to see me lifting my hands in worship to see that 'I' am actively in worshiping God.

The temptation is not far from any of us... How scary is that! But the reality is, we as Christians get one opportunity, one life, to show fourth the glory of God! And thankfully He tells us how to in the proceeding verses!
- administer true justice
-show mercy and compassion one to another
-do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the alien or the poor
- and in your hearts do not think evil of one another

Simple and straight forward? Not really... Because even in doing these 'actions' we can still become tempted to unintentionally make these our medals. Even as the rich young ruler in the NT stated.. 'but Lord I already do all these things' Mark 10: 17-27... But it gets very real when God tells us, as He did the Rick young ruler 'Don't be content with just following this list... Go the extra mile. Sell all of your belongings!'

It's only then that it becomes less about us and more about Jesus and the other. So my challenge today is this... Be intentional with how I talk and walk as a Christian. No more 'christian-ese' lingo or absent minded Christian deeds. No more prayer or scripture reading out of obligation. I want to pursue God and do good because it's who He is in me! Living, moving and being! Thank you Lord for allowing your prophecy back then to impact our hearts even now! I love you with a renewed focus today!

Sweet. Blessings. From. Above.

With a heart transitioning into a season of gratitude, my entire being is captivated with God's faithfulness. Nothing about this past 11 months has seemed 'sane' rather it's felt like an emotional roller coaster..... Up the hill of trust, down the hill of doubt. Up the hill of joy, down the hill of sadness. Up the hill of sensitivity to God's presence, down the hill to the depths of loneliness.. Yet as I write presently, I feel like I am on top of the hill of gratitude.

This past weekend my sweet sister surprised me with a trip down to Mount Vernon, my second home. A place that has and will forever be an ingrained resting place... dwelling place... The land where I began to understand the Lords prevenient Grace and His Love toward me and others. It's where some of my sweet family live and on this trip I was able to experience God's love all over again! 

Some of the best moments involved:

-Car ride with my incredible sister

-Being in the presence of my sweet boss who opened her home to me and shared with me a few of her passions

-Getting to stay at an incredible inn

-Had some incredible time of fellowship with my sister as we shared all about God's goodness and faithfulness. 

-Got to visit my Trinity Worship Center, where God blessed me to worship and fellowship during my season as a student. Loved getting to just hug on all the ladies and to know their genuine touch

-Was able to go out with my mentor and her husband! The conversation was such a blessing, but the greatest blessing of all was being in their presence as they shared all that God is doing at church and in their own lives!

- Then we picked up little sis and went hiking at a waterfall that has always been the image of God's perfect creation

-Lastly was able to catch up with Alexis who in every sense of the word, is a refined fighter for the things of God! Getting to see her and listen, most likely for the last time, was a blessing to say the least

-Then we got back on the road, stopped at Denny's for some dinner and Frozen Yogurt... then we were home!

While I loved every single moment.. truly I was smiling from ear to ear, my favorite moments were the drips of God's overflowing love that He released into my heart. Over these past 11 months, being in the constant grain of serving gram, working at Marcs and the nursing review, I have seen God's unparalleled faithfulness through my finances, my physical health, my grams health, and even my mental stability... and i've praised Him for it! But this opportunity that I was given to get away, and to lay beside the still waters with God, opened up my eyes to seeing just how much, if not more, that He has also cared for my heart! 'My heart.... God isn't concerned so much about how I feel?' was a statement of the past! Because in this mini retreat God has shown me His intimate arm of love, wrapped around my heart, massaging, renewing, repairing and caressing all of the damaged areas. God has cared for me in every single way... yet above all else He has renewed my hope in Him and for His will. 

I could go on and on and on.. but I want to end with this: God is close to the brokenhearted!Psalm 34:18

He has been with me every moment... collecting my tears and storing them for such a time as this! Where I get to reap the harvest of seeing His goodness! I see you Lord :) And I love you! 

Coffee Trips..

So it seems I have begun this new journey of tasting all the great coffees of the world... specifically small coffee shops around the world!
Interesting journey to be on but so worth it while the Lord has me on this journey of new experiences!

Currently I'm a part time employee at Marc's in Aurora. And while this particular placement seems so ironic and forgive me Lord 'below' what I was trained to do.... I see that you are teaching me the art of serving! Especially in the small beginnings!

So here I am. Gram is doing ok, a bit of pain here and there but she is having more ups (Thank you Lord)


Quite an interesting, funny journey...
And now I just remember that I didn't get soy milk :) O the journey!

Well Lord... What do you think!

Lord....
It appears that Wooster is giving me 3 different options to pay off the loan, which I've pasted below....

1.       Pay off the money over 24 months by sending checks in monthly.

2.       You can consider taking a position at WCH now (a position other than RN) and have the money taken out of your pay check. We would like to help you find employment here until you obtain your RN license. (go to the hospital website and look under the employment tab. We can also check the internal postings to see where we could fit you in too)

3.       Pay money monthly til you obtain your license then take an RN job here at WCH and work off the remaining amount you owe as a scholarship. (once you start working as RN you will stop sending money and what you still owe is your scholarship)

4.       Combine option 2 and 3….

 

Father, option 2 sounds incredible.... but I'm nervous to move too fast. What do you think? What is your will? What door have you opened? I sense that fear has stepped in because I want to be cautious and not walk outside of your will--- I want to heart your voice. But I also feel as if this could be from you because they already told me 'no' once before about being an aid. Then there is pride that steps in... but I am humbled. Savior, Luke 12:31- Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added.

I'm doing the best that I can... I'm seeking you! If it's your desire, I do pray that the pay would be right for traveling back and forth, then I also ask for a supernatural peace! I love you so much Lord and I trust you! 

I'm not a nurse

3 disappointments Lord. I'm done with this test and I'm done with nursing. I'd rather you just had declined my desires 7 years ago. I love you but I don't love the situation.... I'm moving on with my life. Only you can perform the miracle because truly I'm done trying.

Not forsaken!

Truly I miss this place so much. I'm in Mount Vernon for the weekend to watch the kids.... But honestly it's hurting more than ever. As I walked through Walmart and saw familiar faces my heart broke for 2 reasons.
1. I spent the last 5 years here... Growing, healing, mending , being stretched and broken. Many of my most challenging days were here and some of my most rewarding experiences were here. Mount Vernon has become my second home and to not be here again, coming back for another semester does hurt.
2. Being here reminds me that I'm not where I want to be. And selfishly father I'm hurt by this reality. I'm not a nurse. I have no job. I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I'm just here, a season that I don't want to be in.... But I'm here.

And I'm yours! So please take these broken pieces and with your own hands design a masterpiece! I love you and my heart with heaviness is clinging to yours!

What an Incredible day!

I've really struggled in these past few weeks to see you Lord passionately. To be zealous about the things that move your heart! I've become complacent.... doing the least when all along you've been 'warming, burning, my heart' to remain excited! But I was on the verge of losing my deep joy for you, until today!

I was able to go and visit a church with gram called Abundant Life Church of God! We've heard plenty of amazing things about the church but what helps them to stand out is their youth. Today, as we entered into the church we were instantly welcomed with hugs and handshakes! And while that was great what has captivated me every sense was the worship! God we got to worship you in a way that I've longed for. Not that it blessed me, because it did, but I was able to lay before you all of my brokenness and my pain and celebrate you as the redeemer of it all! It was so Freeing :) And while I don't know if gram enjoyed it as much because it was different than what she is use to--- I can't help but thank you Lord for being apart of a service, majority youth, where you were center! Brick upon brick, stone upon stone!

And to top the message, the word that you presented through Justin was phenomenol! Romans 12- Never lose our zeal for the Lord and what He is doing! He shared about Phineas in Numbers 23 being said of having the same zeal as God for God's people! Justin reminded us that zeal what is done in our private times with the Lord and will always be blessed outwardly! Incredible reminder to fight never to lose this zeal that you have given me Lord!

If its your will Lord I would really love to go to bible study on tuesday! I have always been a spiritual leader in my relationships around me and I thank you Lord becuase it's all by your guidance but I will be so excited to grow closer to you with a group of men and women my age! My heart has been revived Lord, I was created for community, and it appears Lord that you have opened the door for it to be so! Jesus I'm excited once more!

You have turned my mourning into dancing! What an incredible day!

Defeat

2 attempts. 2 fails. Lord, I can't see you in this. Forgive me for being blind, but I'm not really sure how to keep stepping

Dry Spell

As I am waiting on you Lord I must confess that this season is seeming a bit dry. In my crying to be settled somewhere, anywhere, for good I find my heart lonely.

But I know father that I won't be here forever. So as I wait to pass this nursing test father I ask for a renewed and rejuvenated spirit. I look at you God and see what I want to be... You look at me and see who I am!

Though you have caused me to praise you for the future... if you don't mind me saying God--- I'm so ready for a season change! But even so, please prepare me daily NOW to be content in all seasons for it is your will!

I love you!

When you look back!

For some reason I feel like I'm suppose to be writing this!

At this very moment I am very discontent in this in between state. God has been Soooooo good to me in every single way. Having found me an apartment and a job even before providing my licensure, yet my heart still gets low with the unknown.

But this is what I choose to say to the future me!

Put your trust in Jesus! Not in circumstances. God wants you to be His nurse more than you do, but He also wants to teach you how to still love on Him as you wait! Wait I say, be still and know that the God that you serve is the one true God!

Next time you read this you may very well be a nurse already at Wooster Community Hospital. Take a moment to praise God for the journey!!! It was worth it... Right!!!!

God loves you and knows that your full hearts devotion is to glorify Him! Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and All these things will be added unto you! Keep trusting!