This season is one that I didn't expect. As I sit with a heart full of confusion, I can only ask God "Why now"? It's my senior year of a 7 year journey... I should be thrilled and living the time of my life. Instead I'm confused. Full of mood swings. Anxious. Scared. And ready to cry at any moment.... Lord what's going on?
Please keep me right here until you complete your perfect work. I feel purposeless, out of control... please remind me of your purpose. I'm tired of where I am. But I know that you are molding me into the woman that You need me to be! And for that reason, I'm not running from this test!! I love you :)
Help me to run to you God!!!
Lord please respond.....
Today has been a harder day. Awoke this morning to find that I had failed my second nursing test in a row. Lord... I'm having a hard time being happy today. Please renew my focus. I'm going to start studying now for my exam. I'm going to push hard for these last two tests and not worry about saying that I slacked off or crammed. Lord... if you don't respond, then I won't make it. You have to be the great intercessor please...
The Loss....
Lord, please be with my sister as she has lost a part of herself. Her womb has received the death of a life. Has been rejected of it's right to birth. What was once being prepared to carry an egg of life, has now been left dark and void... and Lord only you can comfort now. Only you can birth a seed of hope. Please fill my sister with your Holy Spirit presence. Complete the void within her belly with your life. She needs you more than ever now... please connect her to your cord of eternal Life. Lord you are in control!
Stomach ache....
I want to stay close to you.. it's really that simple. Just to love you my Lord.... with the days , hours and seconds that hold my every breath...
Every now and then I get these stomach aches. Where my abdomen begins to cramp, pressure pushes down and all within me stops. I can't focus on anything but that indescribable ache. The day seems like walking through a dimply lit tunnel where everyone passing has a cloud of light. These aches aren't like the ones you get when you eat something 'not so kosher'... but the ones you get when your body tries to expel something. It hit me... right during chapel service today. Right in the midst of an amazing speaker and some wonderful time of worship. Everything within me said 'No,,,, I can't get up and go to the bathroom.' After what felt like 20 minutes of this repetitive declaration, I began to ask the Lord to heal me. To remove the urge for the remainder of service. I would sit back in my chair, it would get worse. I would sit up... and the pressure will settle intermittently. Then we stood to worship... and a sudden weakness and need to vomit came like a blow right after another. I couldn't resist any longer.
Stress was expelled. So often during the beginning of things I find that I place a lot of stress on myself. And in particular, the stress and strain of school. One part of me can't wait until the summer. Yet the other part of me knows that I can't keep this mentality. As I opened my test grade, with hopes of passing my maternity exam with greater than 76%, I see that once again I have failed. It stood right in front of me once again... 74%. I have been here too many times that I wish. And I'm not quire sure why. To be quite honest. I put the study time in, I know the information. I know there is a reason. Last class, I found out that that reason was that I might trust Christ more with all things. I don't want this class to turn out the same way, where during the last 2 weeks I stand before God begging for mercy. It shouldn't be a once and done thing.
Today, I choose to praise God even now! I choose to give Him all things because He is God and whether I pass or fail, He is sovereign. These past 6 years of college have been a time of amazement in God! I am amazed of what He has done... I have no regrets. Though there were times when Christ could have pulled me out and said 'I'm changing your calling my daughter... you can't be used here.'... But He didn't. He has allowed me to come this far! And by His grace...... I am not alone! I am a student nurse who, by God's Grace will pass Maternity and prepare for my senior year!
Now time to start my Care Plan! Stomach ache and stress, I rebuke you in Jesus Name! Peace is my covering :)
Every now and then I get these stomach aches. Where my abdomen begins to cramp, pressure pushes down and all within me stops. I can't focus on anything but that indescribable ache. The day seems like walking through a dimply lit tunnel where everyone passing has a cloud of light. These aches aren't like the ones you get when you eat something 'not so kosher'... but the ones you get when your body tries to expel something. It hit me... right during chapel service today. Right in the midst of an amazing speaker and some wonderful time of worship. Everything within me said 'No,,,, I can't get up and go to the bathroom.' After what felt like 20 minutes of this repetitive declaration, I began to ask the Lord to heal me. To remove the urge for the remainder of service. I would sit back in my chair, it would get worse. I would sit up... and the pressure will settle intermittently. Then we stood to worship... and a sudden weakness and need to vomit came like a blow right after another. I couldn't resist any longer.
Stress was expelled. So often during the beginning of things I find that I place a lot of stress on myself. And in particular, the stress and strain of school. One part of me can't wait until the summer. Yet the other part of me knows that I can't keep this mentality. As I opened my test grade, with hopes of passing my maternity exam with greater than 76%, I see that once again I have failed. It stood right in front of me once again... 74%. I have been here too many times that I wish. And I'm not quire sure why. To be quite honest. I put the study time in, I know the information. I know there is a reason. Last class, I found out that that reason was that I might trust Christ more with all things. I don't want this class to turn out the same way, where during the last 2 weeks I stand before God begging for mercy. It shouldn't be a once and done thing.
Today, I choose to praise God even now! I choose to give Him all things because He is God and whether I pass or fail, He is sovereign. These past 6 years of college have been a time of amazement in God! I am amazed of what He has done... I have no regrets. Though there were times when Christ could have pulled me out and said 'I'm changing your calling my daughter... you can't be used here.'... But He didn't. He has allowed me to come this far! And by His grace...... I am not alone! I am a student nurse who, by God's Grace will pass Maternity and prepare for my senior year!
Now time to start my Care Plan! Stomach ache and stress, I rebuke you in Jesus Name! Peace is my covering :)
Testing...
It's been quite some time since i've stopped to spill out the overflow of my heart.... so i'm here. I'm here because of God's most excellent love :) I'm here to tell Him thank you. So many things have happened...
*God has deepened my relationship with Him. There are times when I feel that my love to my Savior is mediocre. That it's just surface... but then there have been times when I feel like I love Him with a love that can't go deeper. I exist because He continue to breath life into my feeble bones... and I am learning to be selflishly in love with the center of my universe! Jesus Christ, the Son of God!
*My family is still a prayer in progress. Sweet chocolate will be expecting a baby soon. So yes :) I will be an Aunt soon enough. Unfortunately she isn't married, and isn't actively walking with God at this time but He, God, is still faithful in and through her. My mom and her had a falling out the other day which resulted in more brokenness... the details could go on and on... but I thankfully have been blessed to pray for them. There will be reconciliation in Jesus name. Forgiveness will take place in Jesus name. Healing will manifest in Jesus name. God's perfect and unchanging and I know it hurts him to see His creation hurting without seeking out the cure. Jesus is the Cure!
* I've been blessed to lead a mission trip down to Mexico this summer, 2015. We have 1 preperation meeting every month. Set to leave in July. Hmmmm.... God's trip :) I'm so thankful!
*Relationally God is doing such a beautiful transformation in my heart especially with having His love for each and every single person. I knew I was broken. Yet when I cried out to Him for His help with truly cherishing relationships, He opened up my ears to listen, my mouth to edify the others and my desire to be present. God never sat up their laughing all the other times I cried before Him asking for change... rather i'd like to think He waited until I was truly sincere. And that I am :) Thank you Savior!
*Grandpa went to be with God the Father and the Son on February 4th. It was a wonderful celebration.... my goodness the gospel was presented in a way that even those who had never heard about Jesus would have been blessed! My grandfather lived such a life that was centered around Christ! Hearing and seeing that manifested in every comment and card was amazing. Lord! Thank you for Gene Morris! Grandma is well :) Learning to make it second by second. She will be traveling to Indiana tomorrow! She is so strong in you Lord :) Your strength and Grace over her in Jesus Name!
*Been worshiping at Trinity!!! O i love it so much :) God's favor is so wonderfully presented through this church and I am so blessed to get to worship there! Myself and Ashley! As well as Loryn now :) Which is another God send!!! Loryn, from Brunswick, and I have been blessed to be friends! God I thank you for her heart, and passions,... but more importantly for her prayers! As we sat in the car praying for God's perfect path I was so reminded of the bond that the Body of Christ holds in Him! She is a blessing!
*Lastly school! School is honestly the biggest test of faith and the two choices I have to make everyday is... 1) Do i trust the Lord is faithful and will continue the good work He has started? or 2) Has God led me this entire way and is now going to leave me? I tell you the truth, usually my answer to question one is yes and two is no... but I did go through a period where I honestly felt God had led me this entire way only to glorify Himself regardless of my desires. Because as I look over my college career, I have seen how God has used me, thankfully, to bless others. To love on others. To fast with others. To encourage others... and etc. I have seen God's hands so powerfully writing out my story in correlation with others. Yet, if I am honest, there are times that rise up within me that ask God 'Lord, when is it my turn? And to that He says what He has said to me so many times.. Keep following me :) Keep letting me lead you and I will mold and shape your desires into mine. Do you want my desires? Will you feed my sheep? And my answer still remains "YES". Any place, Any where, Any time.
I know that God is in control and while at times my own spirit gets nervous... His Word remains true... BE STILL, UNWAVERING, IN THE WORK OF THE LORD!
I don't know what tomorrow will hold, or after this pediatric maternity but whatever it is I have to be ok with it because I was designed and have asked to be solely used for His good pleasure!!!! Use me Lord!!! Use us for your plans!!!
*God has deepened my relationship with Him. There are times when I feel that my love to my Savior is mediocre. That it's just surface... but then there have been times when I feel like I love Him with a love that can't go deeper. I exist because He continue to breath life into my feeble bones... and I am learning to be selflishly in love with the center of my universe! Jesus Christ, the Son of God!
*My family is still a prayer in progress. Sweet chocolate will be expecting a baby soon. So yes :) I will be an Aunt soon enough. Unfortunately she isn't married, and isn't actively walking with God at this time but He, God, is still faithful in and through her. My mom and her had a falling out the other day which resulted in more brokenness... the details could go on and on... but I thankfully have been blessed to pray for them. There will be reconciliation in Jesus name. Forgiveness will take place in Jesus name. Healing will manifest in Jesus name. God's perfect and unchanging and I know it hurts him to see His creation hurting without seeking out the cure. Jesus is the Cure!
* I've been blessed to lead a mission trip down to Mexico this summer, 2015. We have 1 preperation meeting every month. Set to leave in July. Hmmmm.... God's trip :) I'm so thankful!
*Relationally God is doing such a beautiful transformation in my heart especially with having His love for each and every single person. I knew I was broken. Yet when I cried out to Him for His help with truly cherishing relationships, He opened up my ears to listen, my mouth to edify the others and my desire to be present. God never sat up their laughing all the other times I cried before Him asking for change... rather i'd like to think He waited until I was truly sincere. And that I am :) Thank you Savior!
*Grandpa went to be with God the Father and the Son on February 4th. It was a wonderful celebration.... my goodness the gospel was presented in a way that even those who had never heard about Jesus would have been blessed! My grandfather lived such a life that was centered around Christ! Hearing and seeing that manifested in every comment and card was amazing. Lord! Thank you for Gene Morris! Grandma is well :) Learning to make it second by second. She will be traveling to Indiana tomorrow! She is so strong in you Lord :) Your strength and Grace over her in Jesus Name!
*Been worshiping at Trinity!!! O i love it so much :) God's favor is so wonderfully presented through this church and I am so blessed to get to worship there! Myself and Ashley! As well as Loryn now :) Which is another God send!!! Loryn, from Brunswick, and I have been blessed to be friends! God I thank you for her heart, and passions,... but more importantly for her prayers! As we sat in the car praying for God's perfect path I was so reminded of the bond that the Body of Christ holds in Him! She is a blessing!
*Lastly school! School is honestly the biggest test of faith and the two choices I have to make everyday is... 1) Do i trust the Lord is faithful and will continue the good work He has started? or 2) Has God led me this entire way and is now going to leave me? I tell you the truth, usually my answer to question one is yes and two is no... but I did go through a period where I honestly felt God had led me this entire way only to glorify Himself regardless of my desires. Because as I look over my college career, I have seen how God has used me, thankfully, to bless others. To love on others. To fast with others. To encourage others... and etc. I have seen God's hands so powerfully writing out my story in correlation with others. Yet, if I am honest, there are times that rise up within me that ask God 'Lord, when is it my turn? And to that He says what He has said to me so many times.. Keep following me :) Keep letting me lead you and I will mold and shape your desires into mine. Do you want my desires? Will you feed my sheep? And my answer still remains "YES". Any place, Any where, Any time.
I know that God is in control and while at times my own spirit gets nervous... His Word remains true... BE STILL, UNWAVERING, IN THE WORK OF THE LORD!
I don't know what tomorrow will hold, or after this pediatric maternity but whatever it is I have to be ok with it because I was designed and have asked to be solely used for His good pleasure!!!! Use me Lord!!! Use us for your plans!!!
What a mood!
What a drastic change I sense in the atmosphere. I'm back particularly to say that God is good. Have had a few harder days, compliment to school, life and just me.... emotions :) I've been in the presence of God, and have been awfully busy at times that i've neglected His presence. But i'm here... to simply say that even when I didn't know how to be loved and hugged by my Savior, He taught me how to embrace!
Today has been a great day! Though it's only noon, i've found myself being lavished by the presence of Jesus! Do you know what that feels like? Can you remember? Or are you here to? You know that kind of lavishing that you haven't had in a long time! The kind of love that causes your emotions to be super charged. Your tear ducts sensitive. Those moments when you want to just tell the world..... because you haven't been here in a long time!
There was a song in chapel sang called 'Here in this House'. Take a moment to listen to it below. I couldn't help by be still as God sang these words to my dry heart... "All that you need is here in this house. Mercy and Grace. Come".....
Lord, even when I didn't know how to knock... you ushered me in and said 'Make yourself at home'! I'm ready! Help me to stay this comfortable :)