Overpowering passion.....
Wow.... what a day. 5:37 pm Eastern standard time and I sit here feeling as though my heart has just been calibrated? Charged? Super open.... So many things that I could say but the one thing that I must reflect on is my understanding of why? God has placed a particular passion within me and I'm not quite sure what to do, say or even understand it..... So it's honestly as if I have this ball of anxious, curious, passionate yarn interweaving God and I :) And even that is a beautiful image :)
Time to break it down
As I've been taking a Gospel and Culture class, we are reading a book called Rediscovering Christianity by Donovan (The greatest book I've ever read on missions). The author is a priest who has been called to take the Masai people in Tanzania Africa. Throughout the book He gives such great points on where we stand as the body of Christ:
1. Weak (The American culture, in itself, stands weak in the sense that we are 2 things: Individualistic and Bound by Organization)
2. Segregated (Denominationalism represent visible borders)
3.Westernized (We are a people who have the mentality of taking our Christianity to the rest of the world)
He speaks so much about cultural salvation which entails preaching Christ and Him crucified and resurrected. Then Baptism and a Holy Life governed by the Holy Spirit. There is so much more I could share with this particular book but i want to focus on point #2.
Denominationalism
At the age of 20, I became apart of the Pentecostal church. In fact, it was an Apostolic family that first shared with me the gift of speaking in tongues. And it just made sense that because the Lord gave me the gift of speaking in tongues the next night, that I was meant to be apart of a denomination that spoke in tongues?
At the age of 21 the Lord gave me the great privilege of attending Mount Vernon Nazarene University, where I attend currently and over the past 3 years, I have noticed 2 main things: 1)I've noticed that a lot of other denominations are open to fellowship and even serving with other denominations and 2) I've noticed how denominantionalism serves more as a bondage--- once in always in don't talk to strangers.
In so many ways I feel bad for even saying that, but when you have a heart of missions, as God has given me, I don't see 'Denomination?' as I don't see race or gender? Before I began here at MVNU I never thought this way, but because He pulled me out and introduced me to others, I get the opportunity to witness the wide scope of the Church.
So What is Truth?
Truth is represented in Jesus Christ. I'm not confused of what I believe, nor am I trying to put myself in a situation that would be detrimental to my Spiritual man. Truth is this:
Time to break it down
As I've been taking a Gospel and Culture class, we are reading a book called Rediscovering Christianity by Donovan (The greatest book I've ever read on missions). The author is a priest who has been called to take the Masai people in Tanzania Africa. Throughout the book He gives such great points on where we stand as the body of Christ:1. Weak (The American culture, in itself, stands weak in the sense that we are 2 things: Individualistic and Bound by Organization)
2. Segregated (Denominationalism represent visible borders)
3.Westernized (We are a people who have the mentality of taking our Christianity to the rest of the world)
He speaks so much about cultural salvation which entails preaching Christ and Him crucified and resurrected. Then Baptism and a Holy Life governed by the Holy Spirit. There is so much more I could share with this particular book but i want to focus on point #2.
Denominationalism
At the age of 20, I became apart of the Pentecostal church. In fact, it was an Apostolic family that first shared with me the gift of speaking in tongues. And it just made sense that because the Lord gave me the gift of speaking in tongues the next night, that I was meant to be apart of a denomination that spoke in tongues?
At the age of 21 the Lord gave me the great privilege of attending Mount Vernon Nazarene University, where I attend currently and over the past 3 years, I have noticed 2 main things: 1)I've noticed that a lot of other denominations are open to fellowship and even serving with other denominations and 2) I've noticed how denominantionalism serves more as a bondage--- once in always in don't talk to strangers.
In so many ways I feel bad for even saying that, but when you have a heart of missions, as God has given me, I don't see 'Denomination?' as I don't see race or gender? Before I began here at MVNU I never thought this way, but because He pulled me out and introduced me to others, I get the opportunity to witness the wide scope of the Church.
So What is Truth?
Truth is represented in Jesus Christ. I'm not confused of what I believe, nor am I trying to put myself in a situation that would be detrimental to my Spiritual man. Truth is this:
- There is One God who is represented in 3 persons: Father, Son and Holy Ghost
- The Bible is the infallible Word of God
- Jesus and God are One
- Salvation comes through first Believing (Faith) that Christ is the Son of God. Confessing with your mouth that He died for your sin. Repenting of your sinful nature. Baptism for the remission of sin. Submission to the Holy Ghost for the sanctification/purification of your life.
- A person who is Saved will exemplify fruits of the Spirit
- The Spiritual Gifts represented in 1 Corinthians 12 are still manifested today and are distributed by the Spirit of God (But test each Spirit)
- Speaking in tongues is an active gift that is also used as personal worship with the person and God. ( I do not believe you must speak in tongues in order to get into heaven)
- Communion- Do this in memory of Jesus. Serves as a sign of receiving the Grace that Jesus has bestowed upon us in breaking His body and spilling His blood
- We are called to Missions- A church not partaking in Missions outside of the church is not partaking in what we have been called to be
- True Religion- Caring for the Orphan and Widow... The forgotten
- The Way- Paul, before the High Priest in Acts 9 requests to take in to prison anyone who followed "THE WAY"...
THE WAY---
Lord please forgive me if this is out of a rebellious spirit, but now when anyone asks me what denomination I am, I say I'm not. I am a follower of THE WAY. I am a follower of Christ, known as a Christian and I don't believe in any other subcategories :)
Traditional
I'm over traditional anything :) Father, you know my desire, that if you ever call me into ministry, as a missionary or in whatever aspect, I don't want a title nor a church building. I want to be apart of the Church without Walls movement. Walls to me symbolize an uninvited interpretation. Walls and doors, to me represent a way of separation :) That's why I love the way Jesus appeared for the first time before His disciples post-resurrection... He didn't open the door :) He walked through it... Signifying that He is the door and nothing stops Him :)
Unfortunately, we the American church have forgotten the mission. We have become content... and I'm tired of the secure routine of Sunday mornings :) I want to follow the activities Christ partook in.... Deserts, Stairs, Meadows and even boats by the water were all settings Christ used when compelling men to believe in Him :) Why? Thy synagogue was there? .... Because He could reach so much more people out there.... Mind you, not everyone felt invited into the synagogue or temple? So He brought Himself to them... or they brought themselves to Him :)
Where am I going with this?
In no way am I trying to rebel, I just want the world to receive this invitation to know Christ. To love Christ and to receive that eternal promise of life. So Lord, where do I start? Please show me how to be community focused here and now!
I love you soooo much and I'm so thankful for how you have given me the vision to be community minded which is to respond to the mission. Please help me to not forget, nor give up on the promise you've given me. I'm not a radical, but to do your will, I believe means stepping out of the traditional setting. I won't settle for anything less. And on a special not, Father, if it is your desire for me to marry, I pray that you would please refine, clarify and refuel my brother and future husbands passion for nontraditional missions/ministry :) I know He will be the one because He too will possess this call :) And there's only a few of us! Have your way both now and always and thank you for letting me babble on :)
Your daughter,
Nontraditional
Give Me Jesus
Today I made a foolish decision. Today I spent close to an hour looking through countless numbers of some of my sisters in Christ pictures on instagram and facebook. I wanted to check and see how they were. To recall some of the what has become distant memories. And what began with joy and celebration with the latest and greatest news turned into sadness, tears and heartache.
These women, whom I once sat in the same worship services with, whom I fasted with weekly, some of who I traveled the world with... we are now worlds apart. Some married. Some traveling but all still following the Lord! We all started at the same place... learning how to love God.
But honestly, I feel like my life has... has been at a standstill. I haven't been able to do most of the things that they've done. Yet even as I write this the song 'Give Me Jesus' just came on. And that was my prayer some 5 years ago. Give me Jesus... that's all that I want. He is All that i need. So while my heart still feels heavy, Lord I say to you there is no other place I would rather be than right here in my loving presence! You are my success story :)
These women, whom I once sat in the same worship services with, whom I fasted with weekly, some of who I traveled the world with... we are now worlds apart. Some married. Some traveling but all still following the Lord! We all started at the same place... learning how to love God.
But honestly, I feel like my life has... has been at a standstill. I haven't been able to do most of the things that they've done. Yet even as I write this the song 'Give Me Jesus' just came on. And that was my prayer some 5 years ago. Give me Jesus... that's all that I want. He is All that i need. So while my heart still feels heavy, Lord I say to you there is no other place I would rather be than right here in my loving presence! You are my success story :)
Next Post: Infatuation...
Infatuation: The state of being carried away by unreasoned passion or love.
Understanding the Difference Between Love and Infatuation
Yearning for something so pure. So good. Can unfortunately turn out to be more of a sin than not. I thank the Lord that He caught me before I moved into idolization.... but I still had to ask the question "Lord, but why was my yearning so strong?" Infatuation vs. Love.... I was very much so infatuated with being with this man. Hearing his voice (this was the biggest). With laughing and enjoying our time. But more than that, I was in love with the God in him... and my mistake was this: Confusing the person my heart was honestly yearning for. I, in my very limited life, thought that it was the person that was the attraction of my heart, but in all reality, I'd misunderstood the person that my spirit was yearning and reaching for! It was Christ! It is Christ :) Ladies, our longings should be so much more for the hidden person, which should be Christ, which indwells the person you're being pursued by. The person you marry. Don't get me wrong... you should be in love with the person in whom you marry, but Christ should be so evident that your ultimate drawer is the person within them. Either it will be satan or Christ Jesus. You will know! Pray for discernment! Don't let this world pressure you to rush into anything!
We are Christian Women
I am fully woman and fully Christian. Woman in the truth that I was created to love one man. Christian in that my first love is Christ. Created and continually designed to honor, worship and serve Him as my creator, my king, my everything. The difference of infatuation vs. Love is a common topic that comes up in both the secular and saved world but Christian women should have a love that looks very different than women of the world. We as saved women have been given a very authentic, loyal, sacrificial gift of spreading love to all. Our hearts have been created to mimic that of Christs. His Holy Spirit has placed his home within that very tender vessel known as our hearts. We are divinely designed with the intention of loving, nurturing and giving all of ourselves.
Christ created us with the emotions of attraction. He created us to be spiritually, physically, intellectually, mentally, sexually and emotionally attracted to the opposite gender--- that's not of question. The question lies in how do we discern between Love and Infatuation?
This question came to my heart as I have been becoming closer to a man who God has allowed me to become closer with. Ladies... He's a man after God's own heart. He loves sharing his love for his Savior Jesus. He's proactive! The leader of the music ministry in his church. Daily striving to get closer to God as he has shared with me many time. We are friends... But I allowed myself to think we were more. I made the mistake of placing expectations over his pursuit of me. And as I spoke to God about this, I began to wonder just why I am so attracted to this man? We are in two different worlds. But why?
I believe that there is a such thing called 'spiritual yearning'. I would find myself wanting to hear from him daily regarding what God was doing in his life. I wanted to hear the voice of this man share with me how God was moving his heart. Lord knows my desires were pure... but I began to long to know him more and more.... and when I didn't receive the daily texts or calls, I felt as though my attempts at wanting to get closer were stopped by a big red sign that said "I'm busy"....
A Yearning for God- Our Creator
Yearning for something so pure. So good. Can unfortunately turn out to be more of a sin than not. I thank the Lord that He caught me before I moved into idolization.... but I still had to ask the question "Lord, but why was my yearning so strong?" Infatuation vs. Love.... I was very much so infatuated with being with this man. Hearing his voice (this was the biggest). With laughing and enjoying our time. But more than that, I was in love with the God in him... and my mistake was this: Confusing the person my heart was honestly yearning for. I, in my very limited life, thought that it was the person that was the attraction of my heart, but in all reality, I'd misunderstood the person that my spirit was yearning and reaching for! It was Christ! It is Christ :) Ladies, our longings should be so much more for the hidden person, which should be Christ, which indwells the person you're being pursued by. The person you marry. Don't get me wrong... you should be in love with the person in whom you marry, but Christ should be so evident that your ultimate drawer is the person within them. Either it will be satan or Christ Jesus. You will know! Pray for discernment! Don't let this world pressure you to rush into anything!
Our Response
Infatuation:
- Feelings of intense desire that change with each situation/circumstance
- You are in it for what you can get
- You treat the other person as an object or thing
- You enjoy the title or the feeling the most
- You're unable to reason clearly
- Reckless
- Controlled by hormones
- Unable to give the other person space
- Insecure/Jealous
- Often considering the now. Not gradual
- An emotion
- Fueled by passion/lust
Love (From God with the foundation of 1 Corinthians 13:14-18)
- Unconditional
- Sacrificial
- Should change you
- Should draw you closer to God
- A gradual process- As you get to know the other person
- Eros love should always have the foundation of Agape love
- Seeks the best for the other (Whether that's you as their mate or not)
- Edifies the other person
- Is attentive and present
- Never speaks bad about the other person- No matter what
- Carries the person in prayer to their Heavenly Father
- Waits and is Patient
- Holds expectations very loosely
- Always tells the truth
- Hides nothing
- Prevents satan the opportunity to have any say-so
- Relies on God for the perfection of their mate
- Love accepts friendship
- Never demands
- ********Love is not blind **********
- Knows that love is birthed from God and Him alone!
I've never been in love before, so some of these points I have borrowed from other bloggers (http://pangjson.blogspot.com/2008/09/love-vs-infatuation.html). But while I have never been in love with a man here on earth, God has shown me His love so perfectly. He has blessed me with such a beautiful insight on how we as women are to love our future husbands. The bible says that we are to submit to our husbands, as we do unto the Lord! I love my Lord and in that very manner I have the desire to love and serve my husband with the capacity that God grants me. No man is perfect, nor woman, but we have a perfect God who, if we keep our focus on Him, He will lead us and reveal to us how to love in all situations.
Love looks very differently than infatuation... and at this point of my life, whatever my lot shall be..... I am in Love with my Savior Jesus Christ! And all others I love as my brother and sister :) God is good! All the time :)
Lord! Please help us, as women, to keep our hearts centered in the hollow of your hands... There we are safe :)
MY Grace is Sufficient!
"MY grace is sufficient" were the words that God uttered to Paul in his time of distress. In his time of Pain. In his time of needing relief. Paul and his thorn in his side... How did he get there? What had occurred in his life? Did he experience a loss? A medical ailment? A demonic attack?
As I listened to Bishop TD Jakes speak on Pauls pain, I stopped to think... Grief. Grief is like a pain that even in the pleadings of our hearts, the begging we bring before the Lord, His response so lovingly and gently is this: "Otisha, my grace is sufficient for you". This is not a set-back, nor a temporary stop. This is the time when He is asking me to rely solely on His strength.
For a while I believed the myth that when we are hurting we can't be used by God.... not true at all. In these past few days God has opened up the door for others who are experiencing loss to approach me for prayer. I never asked for this, but because I have been given the ability to experience trust in Christ in a different way, God has been able to use His vessel for the 'bigger picture'. I simply love Him for using me.... even when I feel broken. He mends :)
"Roses can grow amongst thorns"
True Beauty....
It all began last night... as the insecurities of True Beauty began to surface and boil over above my head. Who am I as a woman? I'm simple. Reserved. Passionate. Intentional. A lover of love. Cautious yet willing. But one thing i've never felt was a type of beauty unannounced to my soul... A comfortable beauty.
I loved my sweat pants. My beanie hats.... but I loved them because they were comfortable! But the thought that I could be both comfortable and cute... hmmmm. As Willie and I spoke last night and he listed the many qualities he desires within a wife... a silently checked off the countless bulletin points until I got to this one: "I want my wife to know how to dress in and out of the house". This one hit me harder than I thought it would. And it touched a place that i've never opened up before. For the proceeding hours I struggled as I didn't think I was worthy enough to ever be considered someone he found attracted. But then I began to ask myself if I liked myself. My outer beauty. The way I dress. And I honestly had to answer no. I didn't like how I dressed like a boy. Baggy sweats and sweat shirts... I am a woman of God! Meant to not portray the worlds beauty but eve's beauty. Proverbs 31 beauty. My Saviors beauty.
After my wonderful, sweet and patient Best friend shared with me what God had placed on her heart, about not changing for anyone... I made the decision to change for me. I want to be beautiful outwardly.... for Otisha :) So this morning I awoke, and worked out a bit.. which always starts my day off well. Then showered and fixed my hair to my perfection... I dressed :) And when I say I dressed.... I mean I really dressed! Lathered with Paris Night lotion, fastened everything and stared myself in the mirror :) I saw me and all the beauty God so wonderfully detailed within each and every surface inch of Otisha. Lastly.... I pulled my late grandmothers necklace out... the gold one with the heart and I placed it around my neck. And it was complete :)
To my reader please hear this truth. It wasn't the clothing, the smell good lotion, the hair, nor the smell good lotion.... it was a new set of eyes :) God has granted me with his eyes! And as I walked out into the snow covered world, now seen as my runway.... I had a new confidence. Of course this confidence was enhanced with compliments :) But this word from the Lord made me stop and think....
As I stood in the bagel line, just doing my regular day to day toasting, a girl named Emily turned to me and said "You look beautiful"... and in my humble way I lifted my head and said "Thank you.... so do you" But she stopped me and said "No! You are beautiful. I believe that's the first thing I ever said to you :) You have such a natural beauty".... My jaw practically dropped as I heard the whispering of Christ in my ear telling me to listen my dear child! You are simply born with a natural beauty..... But I marvel so much in knowing that who they see is not brown skinned brow eyed Otisha..... They see Jesus :) His humility. His natural beauty :) His smile. His love!
So I sit here and right this to simply release these words to every woman who will listen. It was never about the clothing. The make-up. The jewelry. It's always about the one the dwells within the depth of you. It's about the one who brings beauty from the inward parts of every man and woman. Accept this truth today! Not from me :) Never from me! But from the one who died to give you the beauty we all so desperately desire... His beauty :)
You are beautiful!
I loved my sweat pants. My beanie hats.... but I loved them because they were comfortable! But the thought that I could be both comfortable and cute... hmmmm. As Willie and I spoke last night and he listed the many qualities he desires within a wife... a silently checked off the countless bulletin points until I got to this one: "I want my wife to know how to dress in and out of the house". This one hit me harder than I thought it would. And it touched a place that i've never opened up before. For the proceeding hours I struggled as I didn't think I was worthy enough to ever be considered someone he found attracted. But then I began to ask myself if I liked myself. My outer beauty. The way I dress. And I honestly had to answer no. I didn't like how I dressed like a boy. Baggy sweats and sweat shirts... I am a woman of God! Meant to not portray the worlds beauty but eve's beauty. Proverbs 31 beauty. My Saviors beauty.
After my wonderful, sweet and patient Best friend shared with me what God had placed on her heart, about not changing for anyone... I made the decision to change for me. I want to be beautiful outwardly.... for Otisha :) So this morning I awoke, and worked out a bit.. which always starts my day off well. Then showered and fixed my hair to my perfection... I dressed :) And when I say I dressed.... I mean I really dressed! Lathered with Paris Night lotion, fastened everything and stared myself in the mirror :) I saw me and all the beauty God so wonderfully detailed within each and every surface inch of Otisha. Lastly.... I pulled my late grandmothers necklace out... the gold one with the heart and I placed it around my neck. And it was complete :)To my reader please hear this truth. It wasn't the clothing, the smell good lotion, the hair, nor the smell good lotion.... it was a new set of eyes :) God has granted me with his eyes! And as I walked out into the snow covered world, now seen as my runway.... I had a new confidence. Of course this confidence was enhanced with compliments :) But this word from the Lord made me stop and think....
As I stood in the bagel line, just doing my regular day to day toasting, a girl named Emily turned to me and said "You look beautiful"... and in my humble way I lifted my head and said "Thank you.... so do you" But she stopped me and said "No! You are beautiful. I believe that's the first thing I ever said to you :) You have such a natural beauty".... My jaw practically dropped as I heard the whispering of Christ in my ear telling me to listen my dear child! You are simply born with a natural beauty..... But I marvel so much in knowing that who they see is not brown skinned brow eyed Otisha..... They see Jesus :) His humility. His natural beauty :) His smile. His love!
So I sit here and right this to simply release these words to every woman who will listen. It was never about the clothing. The make-up. The jewelry. It's always about the one the dwells within the depth of you. It's about the one who brings beauty from the inward parts of every man and woman. Accept this truth today! Not from me :) Never from me! But from the one who died to give you the beauty we all so desperately desire... His beauty :)
You are beautiful!
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."
- Proverbs 31:30-
Lord... Guidance Please
Sometimes I honestly laugh at the way things seem to occur in my life. Your timing. Father... I love you more than life itself. As I have had many moments to recount my life its hard for me not to smile as I recall the truth of your greatness. Your love unto me has been more than I could ever expect from any human being.... and yet one has stepped into my life that claims to love me for who I am in you.
How do I take that Lord? In my heart, I know you have prepared me. You have tested me. You have shown me how to love you before and after everything. My life in you is not what I am questioning the most... but my life with this man who loves you with all of his being is what I am asking of you. Is now the time? Father, you know my desire.... and he, Willie, is my desire... but more importantly.... you are my first and my last. If you say no :) I will step back.
As you know, tomorrow, 12/26/2013, i will be beginning my fasting to seek your face for these questions below:
1. Have you called Willie to be my husband?
2. Is this timing when you have called us to be together?
3. Am I whole in you?
Father :) I believe obedience in you is the most important thing. I will not compromise. I believe you will answer :) You are my father and I know you will lead and guide me. Please Lord don't leave me without your voice. I will not move until you say so!
I Love you! Your daughter, Otisha
How do I take that Lord? In my heart, I know you have prepared me. You have tested me. You have shown me how to love you before and after everything. My life in you is not what I am questioning the most... but my life with this man who loves you with all of his being is what I am asking of you. Is now the time? Father, you know my desire.... and he, Willie, is my desire... but more importantly.... you are my first and my last. If you say no :) I will step back.
As you know, tomorrow, 12/26/2013, i will be beginning my fasting to seek your face for these questions below:
1. Have you called Willie to be my husband?
2. Is this timing when you have called us to be together?
3. Am I whole in you?
Father :) I believe obedience in you is the most important thing. I will not compromise. I believe you will answer :) You are my father and I know you will lead and guide me. Please Lord don't leave me without your voice. I will not move until you say so!
I Love you! Your daughter, Otisha