We Had to Seperate!

Amazing what God does when we cry out to Him. When we ask Jesus the big "Why" question when so many Christians feel guilty over. Yet... in our deepest, most desperate state of mind, when no answers given by good, well meaning friends and family, seem to suffice... turning to Jesus is the only lifeline that we can hang on to!

And just to add to that... the more hurt we experience in our lives the easier it will become to make Jesus the first One that we cry out to!

Hence... I'm here! After nearly 4 months of journeying and falling in love with the man that I thought would be my husband one day... all ended with one quick message. And the 2 stopped being 2.... and returned to just being one.

In the midst of my heartbreak I turned to friends and family for solice. I ached for closure in ways that no one seemed to be able to offer. And then, when the hurt seemed to rip my heart into imeasurable pieces... that's when I dropped to my knees and cried out to Jesus! "LORD... WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE FOR THIS NOW PAIN".

I wanted to know from the Lord why He would allow me to journey, to love, to sense peace every step of the way... for it to only turn into heart wrenching pain!

And then this morning happened! And as I meditated on the Lord and All that He's been doing He shared one incredible truth with me which ended up being confirmed in my Ladies Bible Study this morning!

In my relationship with Casey we had fun. But so much of that fun was spent reminiscing about the good old days. The music, the lingo. He'd spend minutes upon minutes throwing out lyrics in which I would join in happily. Though before Casey I'd not thought of those songs in forever. Many of them I knew because my mom or family listened to them. Even the ones that were demeaning to women.... in which I reminded Him often! That they indeed were demeaning. But I loved the man... therefore If it was fun for Him to enjoy His few moments of reminiscing then I was by His side.

Of course we had tons of other types of fun... but He always felt comfortable around me to relive out loud. Yet.... looking back I can now see that in so many ways, in our relationship, He was really living in both worlds still. Reminiscing of all the inappropriate songs, singing, laughing and finding himself lost in the moment. And then turning on Christian music!

Or still sometimes drinking alcohol that He was once delivered from. But enjoyed the taste. He loved the Lord Jesus but when it came to 'Leaving those things behind...', Having a spirit of excellency.... He wasn't there yet!

And unfortunately... that may have been the very thing that caused our relationship to come to an end! I refused to be pulled back and maybe in some ways He wasn't ready to be pulled up. No... I'm not perfect! But One thing I do know is that I'm pressing toward the mark of the High calling of Jesus! And if Jesus thinks enough to tell me to Be Holy... then everything that limits that journey must be thrown into the fire!

Excellency! Some say that my standards are too high... but the reality of it is this, my standards are grounded in the Word of God! In what He tells us to do, how He prompts us to live! And I want to look more and more like Jesus every single day!

So if that means that I remain single, because there's no man out there who also has this heartbeat, then by God's Grace I will live it well! But if I am to be married one day Lord, my prayer is that you would mold my husband with a spirit of excellency who will live above reproach! Who will actively seek to Be Holy like Jesus! Who will communicate and challenge me to exemplify Christ! And who above all else will honor my convictions and standards... knowing that they ALL stem from the desire to Love Christ more that I did when I first said YES!

Having fun is great... but there is a Godly fun that honors Christ and fits Christians who are in the world but not of it!

Remove those dead man clothes!

As I sit here Lord on Good Friday I can't help but sense you uttering the words 'Restored... restored... restored' in my ear. Merciful father... it was today thousands of years ago when your back received each lashing that should have belonged to me. Your right hand and left pierced with the nail that should have been for me. I can't thank you enough... but I give you my life!

Restored & Loved!

Wow it's been quite a lengthy time since I've written...
So much has happened in between time...
But what has brought me back is this!

Satan doesn't want me to be Loved!

See in every way the Lord has delivered and restored me! My last post challenged me to step out and use my 'hidden' testimony for the sake/deliverance of a sweet friend. In 3 different arenas the Lord allowed me to share my past of same gender attraction, self gratification and pornography.

It  was in sharing these sins that the Lord healed and delivered me 100% from a lifestyle of sin before Him and ultimately separation! And then God started me on the journey of discovering my Worth in HIM! I learned that I am Worthy because of His life in me! That I have Value for His kingdom! And I can live a life of FREEDOM to the fullest :)

And I promise in every way once the Lord showered me with His love in this way, it truly opened my eyes to the life that I felt He was wanting me to live! A thriving, vibrant, full life of ministry! So I started with praying for a home. Then for a traditional schedule. Then for a way to start taking foster care classes to become a foster parent.

Hence, in neither of those prayers did I pray for a husband, or future family! Because my heart was set on not waiting to start ministry once I met my husband but to live in such a way that if I didn't get married I wouldn't have regretted any second! And lives would still be impacted for the Kingdom of God!

It was then that I met Casey Allen White :) And by day 3 when the enemy would have had me daydreaming and fantasizing of impure acts with him, I sensed he Holy Spirit say very clearly... "Not this one. Hide him in your spirit! Fight for Him!" And that's what I chose then and am still to this day choosing to do!

But I'm writing in this moment because my heart is sensing in every way, the enemy of our souls stepping in and trying to make me feel that I don't 'deserve' to be loved by a man who loves Jesus more than life itself! Who is walking upright before our Lord and has a heart to minister to the broken and see them reconciled back to Christ!

This weekend we were able to minister together to two sweet young people who have a form of Godliness but aren't walking in the power of God currently. And any other time Casey and I have ministered, for instance, to the homeless... we've never encountered any type of resistance. But this past weekend was one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled times we ever had together. It's like in every area satan was attacking Casey and I which made ministering together quite tense at times. And looking back I can 100% see how God, despite our heavy, burdened, oppressed heart, how God worked every aspect out! He started the healing process within the two younger saints and amongst us God strengthened our resolve to remain faithful in the ministry of sharing the Gospel!

Yet... today it seems as though satan has extra time on his hands. There's a residue, a battle still going on in my heart. And after speaking with my mentor, in some ways I'm wondering if satan is playing on my own insecurities. If that is the case... I choose to allow this place to be the platform to share my deepest thoughts!

So here are my list of insecurities that I choose to place at the feet of Jesus and snatch from satans hands:
1. I am afraid of being over powered by satan. Of living a life of constant oppression for doingn the Lords will!
2. I am afraid that Casey will see my struggles and leave me
3. I'm afraid that Casey will think that I am the cause for such spiritual warefare
4. What if I heard God wrong? What if He didn't say that Casey 'was mine'? What if our relationship is simply for the sake of Makayla and Tyler?
5. What if we don't get married?
6. What if my heart is broken?
7. What if my heart is too much for Casey to carry? Sometimes I find that my sensitivity is only heightened when He's so calm! But thank you that He can be the stillness to my wave like emotions!

Lord,
You know that I trust you with all that I am! And even in the moments when satan shows his slithering deception... I still trust that you are in control! Why do I now get nervous whenever I say that I Love Casey White? Because I'm afraid to lose Him! But Lord the reality is... He's yours! So I choose to give Him back to you and you alone! My heart remains very much so bound to do your will and to love without disruption. I believe you gave me Casey to love with a Godly love! To cherish selflessly and to honor as my husband! But may in every way you find us faithful doing your will?

I love you Savior as my Lord :) I love Casey as my sweet man! And I love our life as divinely orchestrated!

So Lord.... I lay my desires and insecurities at your feet! You are God and I trust you!

-Expose to become clean!
-I have the power, through God, to share my testimony and see a generation saved. Would I keep it to myself for my own safety? To not be shunned? To keep up an image? Or can I trust God enough to shield me from satans attacks even when i'm afraid of the aftermath?

Play it safe or Be obedient?
How do I overcome? Blood of the lamb and word of their testimony!

Dish time Revelation!

Thank you Lord!

As I was standing at my sink washing my 3000 piled up dishes the Lord began to speak with me His truth! Yesterday I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a group called 'Alethia' at my church. During our women's retreat, a few days earlier, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity of meeting a girl named Emily who invited me! I'd thought, according to the description on the church's website that the age bracket was 18-25.... which left me 2 years over! But she said I could come anyhow, so I did.

It was so great! The message, led by the youth pastor was ok :) The young adult pastor filled in many of the awkward spaces. But none the less I was reminded in Ephesians 5 to not even allow 'sin' to be named amongst us saints! But afterwards many of the ladies approached me and we just talked about everything from the women's retreat, to coffee, to working out and etc! Invited each other on facebook and etc. Well this morning I awoke and had 15 messages which turned out to be a group chat for an event that I was invited to! Praise God :) Starting off with yoga, then breakfast. And while there's so many more details in between... I was blessed to be invited!

But as I stood at my sink scraping dish by dish my mind began to be filled with God's sweet voice. 'Tish, even though your personality yields more to one on one settings, your past life of same gender attraction and sexual sin, has left you with no other choice than to become one who surrounds herself with 2 or more.' And with that I was left feeling like my life just opened up a new door. I guess my mentality of intimate relationships never consisted of more than one... but the reality is that while there is a time and place for that, I should be surrounding myself with several women, in the same gathering, that know me intimately and who can speak into my life and vice versa. 

Isolation, unfortunately, has been my stumbling block. I think of a previous relationship where myself and the person I called friend would make every effort to find 'alone' space. This didn't turn out so well because it secluded everyone else from knowing us. We became a unit to ourselves. UNHEALTHY! Even now i've been struggling in my heart with a sweet friend who is just like me... more reserved, doesn't share everything with everyone! The blessing of our friendship is that she isn't a person who doesn't have other friends! She very much so does which means that here and now I have the opportunity to practice healthy relations and enjoy the presence of other sisters... which would take the unintentional pressure off of her to be my 'do everything with' friend! 

Those dishes became more clean with every stroke! And that's what I so look forward to with my own life! Deliverance in and through God's gift of the Body of Christ! I'm excited to journey with these women and what I'm really looking forward to is being real and vulnerable as the opportunity lends itself! 

Here goes something! 

Water turned off, drying towel in hand! 

Passive Ministry!

Today I stuck my foot in my mouth during a moment that was intended to be ministry. I simply, through the cracks, wanted to ask someone if they were still struggling with things of the past... And I was called out to the carpet.

It was awkward. I felt nauseated. Of course I cleaned it up and the conversation turned a corner.... But how and why do I get myself caught in moments like that?

Lord please send those that need an encouraging word regarding sexual sins of their past to me. I can't go out hunting anymore. Nothing about it was right. And I hated it! I'm not my own Shepard. You have to make whomever it is ready.

Forgive me Lord for trying to do your work! I love you and I release this whole Women's Ministry gifting to you!

I will be present when you send them :)

My Thorn...

9 years! I've been saved and walking with Jesus Christ for 9 yrs out of my 27. It may not seem like much but in my heart it feels like a lifetime! God has done so much within the very DNA of my soul. Healing, deliverance, provision, progression... strength, hope, intimacy, courage, resiliency. Peace, longsuffering, forgiveness, trust, resolve. These are just some of the Words that mirror the lessons God has taught me! He's been so patient in my life... in the midst of me not really knowing how to 'KNOW' Him. Truly, I don't understand why He chose me... but He has. So often it would be easier to think that He just needed extra hands and feet to carry the Gospel...but then i'm reminded that He is God! And all of creation is at His beckon call. He is God and the universe declares His glory! He is God who has the ability to plant a vision in the mind of a man/woman while they sleep... a vision of Himself! Who spoke to Joseph about His perfect plan! He saved Paul while He was yet blind. Who shared with the woman caught in adultary that she was forgiven.... no judges but Himself, but One! The Only One... and He said Go and sin no more!

This God that I serve gave the most important thing up for the sake of me; His Son Jesus! This God that calls us the Apple of His eye... And while I don't want to sound selfish by using the Word 'me'.... I've gotta make this thing personal! Because in every single way... I've only been asked to carry one Cross! And that's the Cross that my Christ was nailed to! So it's 'me' whose soul feels like it's on the line.

I've been saved for 9 incredible yrs. And with elegance and ease i've been honored to live a life that 'draws' others to Christ. Some say I make it look easy and I say 'It's God that they're seeing'... because in all reality I struggle. I struggle in my Christian walk to be free from my past.

For as long as I can remember, much longer than being saved, i've struggled with same sex attraction. With having homosexual tendencies. With sexual impurity. At a very young age, between 7-9, I began having sex with my cousins... 'experimenting' because we, at such a young age witnessed our moms 'experiment' with men and women. So whether it was a girl cousin, boy cousin, or uncle....we didn't know any difference. At a very young age a sexual spirit was awakened within me that I had no control over. We never had anyone sitting us down telling us that it was wrong? Little games like 'hide and go get it' filled our inner city neighborhood streets... while in other parts of the world children were playing 'hide and go seek'. In our version of the game if you were found you'd have to perform some sexual act. Guess who was found often? And not just by one person but often by 2. Now it would be considered 3-play or 4-play, but to us kids... it was the price of playing the game. We knew no difference. 

Then we were taken from my mother and placed into foster home, I was 12 and my sister was 6. I was manipulative, I knew how to get my way and use my body to do so. I was like my mother, had an appealing 'thick' body that made me appear older than I really was. So it didn't throw me off when my foster family's 28 yr old son approached me with sex. I knew the system and it worked. Or when the foster father opened up about his sex life... I wasn't baffled. It was just the type of world I knew... grew up in. We didn't have church... I lived with hypocrites. 

I was the one in control especially when it came to inviting boys back to my home when no one was home. Hook line and sinker. And then in high school when bi-sexual activities were presented to me... it became just a piece of the already started puzzle. 

Then I met Jesus! Moved to TX for a year and everything seemed to have settled. I believe I opened up about my 'same sex attractions' once before because I lived in a room with 5 girls and felt the need to be open about where I came from. But at the time I was also in an atmosphere where we were actively practicing self disciplines on a weekly, if not daily, basis. We were the church, come together! Prayed together, ate together, worked out together, climbed mountains together, went on mission trips together..... It was like satan had no entrance in! I miss those days so so so much! I honestly don't remember ever struggling during that time! Then I graduated 2009....

Moved back home and for quite some time it felt like the Lord blessed me with a shield of protection! He and I communed regularly.... He placed me in an all girls nursing school with one mind, to do His will! Become a nurse, to be a medical missionary, to spread the gospel! I was ready! And then I met Linda... on a mission trip in Venezuela. She and her family were the family members of the pastor of the church I attended at the time. I was so blessed by the mission trip.... God did some amazing things during that time! It wasn't until afterwards that I'd fallen back into the trap of a same sex relationship. It seemed like it happened so fast where I became the one 'preyed' on... though I in no way was innocent. My good intentions of wanting a mentor, especially in a position that I one day wanted to be, as a missionary quickly turned into a very inappropriate and sexual relationship where one day we were in public to the next being in a hotel room. 

Thankfully, my Savior, called it out into the open in which I quickly repented and relinquished my deliverance back into the Lords hands. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. Because in so many ways, since that moment, I feel as though i've been attacked more and more lately. And that's what brings me here... now.

Living alone here in Wooster has been so incredibly wonderful! But i'm isolated...when it comes to fellowship unfortunately i've not been able journey with many. I've struggled somewhat for quite sometime with having 'normal' girlfriend relationships... due to my background, but when it comes to close Godly sisterhood friendships I find that I am attacked there the most! Now don't get me wrong... I've got a best friend who is closer than a sister who I've never stumbled with, thought inappropriately about, been attracted to... and for that reason I KNOW without a doubt that she has been God's special gift and reminder of purity! But that's as far as it goes! 

Outside of the whole attraction issue... I know for a fact that God created me to be a very intimate woman! Who desires to know the heart of the other. Who enjoys living in the moment with others and is more than willing to connect! But having this kind of personality unfortunately feels more like tools for satan to use against me. I know God is calling me into womens ministry.... but how can I, a woman who struggles with same sex attractions, ever help lead a group of women into a lifestyle of freedom, deliverance and purpose. 

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"Tell your story"--- Is all that I hear God saying....

Lord! If this is the key that you want to use to give me complete freedom, then this is what i'll do! Show me how....

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As I went into the library today to find literature to read about 'Breaking free from sexual sin' or 'Deliverance' I was very disheartened to hear what type of Christian literature was offered.... rather the small amount there was. But even more disheartening was the compromise of what was offered... titles like (paraphrased):

-Perspectives from a gay pastor

-How the Bible supports homosexuality

-God loves you even though your gay

-The rainbow bible

My heart broke at how many people tried to incorporate homosexuality into a Christian lifestyle. How it's ok to have tendencies and still be a Christian. Accepting the way you are.... NO!NO!NO! Absolutely NOT! My heart is so broken that people would be ok with the way that they are.... we are! God did not make us this way. It is sin that has caused us to have these unnatural affections. I will be the first to say that it was the way that I was brought up that nurtured these unnatural affections within me... not having a dad in my life to show me what a real man looks like. Rather seeing men use my mother for sex and etc. It was seeing the men in my family follow the pimp lifestyle that their father exemplified. It was having sexual relations with both genders at such a young age... when everyone else was being told about the birds and the bees or seeing it played out in their own home with a mother and father figure. It was having a gay uncle. It was having a lesbian as a cousin. It was my upbringing that caused me to prefer the emotional aspect of women more than men. That has caused me to be attracted to what I didn't' have! Heck no..... I was not born this way, nor was anyone else. And yes... I do believe that even the thought of biological involvement is a lie from satan. But I understand how people can believe it.

 I in no way am blaming those who are practicing open homosexuality, because I once did. My heart goes out to them because in so many ways, I know, that if I didn't have the spirit of God living within me, I too would be holding up a rainbow flag. But God has delivered me... even though I still have thoughts, dreams and fantasies, God has delivered me from my right to make my own decision regarding my life! I am HIS.... and that's the final say! 

So... nope.... i'm not whole, it's not easy, I still have to daily say no to my flesh... but because Jesus died to give me an opportunity to be saved, its worth it! Before I ever compromise again i'd rather die! And I mean that whole-heartedly. I don't believe there is a such thing as a 'Gay-Christian' or a 'Homosexual Christian'.... I believe we are just Christians who are clinging to the hand of Christ to not give in to sexual tendencies that won't let go of us!

We are new creations! And I will not be identified by my thorn! In Jesus name :) 

From,

The Redeemed! 

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."- 1 Timothy 6:12